"We're all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars."

Rejunvenated

2012-02-19T22:24:00.003+08:00

Had a great time playing the piano today. After sitting beside the piano while designing my ass off, listening to miss lau giving piano consultations and victor practicing on the piano, I finally understand the importance of listening to oneself when practicing the piano.

And so I tried. I was shivering when I woke up from my nap after coming back from my grandma's birthday lunch, and my stomach felt bloated. Still, I decided to open my ears and listen to each note that flows out from the piano while I fiddled with my fingering to get the pieces going.

In short, I enjoyed myself, somehow I sightread faster, and it was a much more productive practice today.

Not that I'm going to prepare for LTCL (yet), but just itching to learn new pieces.

Watching my senior and juniors practicing away at different times of the day in school, I realise the sheer hard work and difficulty of performing classical music. The best musicians we have around in tj are those who put in hours of hard work, with their ears open, their fingers digging into the keys furiously, their mind thinking and figuring things out. Should that staccato be more detached and light? How can the phrases be contrasted? What kind of timbre should this piece have?

Slow practice with the ears open and alert- it's so darn important in order to be able to eventually play the pieces well. And after the technical stuffs are settled, it's time to put one's heart and soul into it. The notes will not just sing tunes, but the story of your life. It will tug heartstrings, it will make the ground rumble, it will lift spirits;make hearts grow heavy with sorrow and anger.

Beautiful music do not come by easily. Apart from the painstaking efforts of the composer to carefully develop his musical material into intricate works, the performers spend hundreds of hours in total to first work out the fingering, the phrases, the dynamics, then the tone, the mood and the storytelling. In an orchestra, there is the additional work of gelling the different layers played by different instrumentalists, such that there is this sense of unity but uniqueness in each line, each particular layer that the composer decided to include.

I hope that when you have the time, just tune in to 92.4fm or if you know any classical works (baroque to contemporary, it doesnt matter), close your eyes and listen. Do not just focus on the melody. Listen to the inner voices, the bass, the alto voices, the percussion giving the pulse in the background. Even if it's just a piano work, listen to the chords, how the running passages give the direction to the music. How the different lines speaking their own stuff, but somehow they complement one another.

Do not be too impressed by sheer virtuousity. Anyone who has played the piano long enough and willing to repeat a piece daily will be able to play pieces at a darn fast speed and perfectly. Listen instead for the harmony of all the different notes in the LH, RH, the different instruments, coming together to form the entire work. Listen for emotions, the performer's story. Listen for beautiful tones, for the touch of the keys, the timbre of the instrument.

I feel rejunvenated (:

Believe

2012-02-18T21:04:00.001+08:00

I do not care
     if my dreams are deemed as
         clouds
stardust
                sandcastles on air

It does not matter
     if all I see of others' dreams are
           roses
           sunlight
           fields of hope

Rose-tinted lens?
But I see them all
with my
           heart

I ask that the sun within
                     shines
so brightly
       it bursts through me
all my clouds
stardusts
       sandcastles on air

Believe in me
as I believe in you;

believe in mine

as I believe in yours.

(18/2/2012)

Youth

2012-02-11T13:47:00.003+08:00

Youth is a truly wonderful thing. Unfortunately though, this is often something that's hard to appreciate when we're young. Life passes by quickly and before we know it, we are old. That's why in our youth we should be as active as we possible can. Rather than a life of blank pages, live a life crammed with full of memories- of battles well fought and wonderfully diverse experiences. Not to leave behind any history, just to grow old and die, is a sad way to live.

What is the treasure of youth? It's struggle;it is hard work. Unless you struggle, you cannot become truly strong. Those who work hard during their youth will have nothing to fear when the time comes to put the finishing touches on their lives.

(both quotes are by Daisaku Ikeda)

***

It is with this mindset on the great importance of youth that I resolve to make my youth a well-spent and fulfilling journey. I'm already thinking of taking up an internship (preferably more writing and design assignments) after I'm done with the Mardi Gras 2012 project in Mid-Apr as a project officer. And of course, to travel quite abit before school life resumes once more. And find some volunteer work.

Anw, to my dear friends (esp the poly peeps), dont hesitate to date me out okay! I'm free most of the time from afternoon onwards, like after 4pm (thats when I'm done for the day's work!).

This post was supposed to be angsty

2012-02-08T00:36:00.000+08:00

Raised voices led me to tears in the bathroom. The scary thing was that I couldnt stop crying even after I had finished bathing. I would have usually sorted my thoughts out or calmed down by then so it was odd that I still had tears rolling out after more than half an hour.

The funny thing is that there wasnt a particular incident that made me so upset, but just the sum of everything that had happened but I had somehow took them in my stride.

My eyes were still bloodshot red when I was out of the bathroom, and I was about to type an angsty post when all of a sudden, my netbook built-in cursor was completely locked and I couldnt move the cursor at all. I got a shock and stopped crying and while my dad tried to rectify this mysterious problem, I decided to watch the tv and dry my hair.

That's when I came across this documentary of parents in China searching frantically for their missing children. Some of them went missing for years and they remain nowhere to be found. There was a boy who was finally located by the police after 18 years, but because he went missing when he was young, he didnt have much feelings for his birth mother when they met and he asked that they do not meet each other again since he already belonged to a wealthy family and was living a good life. The mother lost this son when he was only a few years old, and when her husband tried to find him himself a year later, her own husband went missing and his whereabouts remain unknown till this day. So she's all alone, with her son reluctant to acknowledge her and her husband missing.

I was thinking about myself crying so badly in the toilet just moments before and I suddenly felt so stupid. I know that because I am tall and look mature, people assume that I am already an adult. Therefore, the adults who care for me can get quite pissed at times when I say something wrong unintentionally or do things that are deemed as immature in their eyes. I was just wondering how would people feel if I went missing or died. Would they miss me? Would they bother trying to find me? What would they remember about me the most?

There are times where I really feel that I'm such a burden to my parents. I know that I'm not handicapped, but I'm still effectively a kid at heart. Looking after someone for 18 years and having to sacrifice so much...these are things that are not easy to carry out and yet they still do it. When they tell me off or get really mad at me, I'm one of those sensitive kids who will think that I'm therefore useless and they would be better off without me.

But when I looked at the parents having no other purpose in life except to find their children (dead or alive), eyes that have long lost their colour and liveliness, the dull complexion and the creases on their faces... How could I be so selfish and silly to think of such things earlier on?

I can't help but feel that the things that have happened are no mere coincidences, but are signs from the above for me to wake me up to reality. I feel so grateful that the word grateful itself seems like an understatement. I feel enlightened. I feel like I've been awoken to a truth, a truth that I probably knew all along but I chose not to see things as such.

How can we say that we are all alone and unloved, that our existences dont matter when there will always be people who will love us unconditionally despite who we are? Why do we take comments and criticism to heart when actually, no matter who they come from, they only serve as sources for improvement and growth? Why be upset over others' perception of you? Do they know you as well as you know yourself in the first place? Why do we girls have to think that we are unloved just because one boy refused our hearts? Why want to disappear when people notice and say about you when you have already caught their eye?

I thought this picture is really summed up the truths that I need to remember and live by (from facebook):

***

Been reading dedication posts to my chingay group C1 on our FB group page and I must say that I'm so glad that I never gave up on Chingay; that my prayers were answered because I managed to participate in my first Chingay item ever with SSA and benefit so much from it.

What moved me so much was how although every group member had his/her own individual struggles that only they themselves can full comprehend, they were determined to make Chingay a success and their time spent preparing for Chingay a meaningful and useful one. They were determined to smile through the night chills, soaking wet clothes, exhaustion, mountains of workload, the occasional harsh words from trainers, the scorching sun and the dangerous fire torches. They were so determined to challenge themselves and live by the Buddhist fundamentals that I could see them transform into people capable of bringing happiness to others, to give strength even though they feel weak at times.

I know that if I'm really touched and all, why on earth did I umm, cry just now? The thing is, without Chingay and being thrown back into the harsh reality of life, I find it hard to cope once more. In Chingay, I had people to influence me. The environment was so positive and all that I cant help but follow them too. But now that Chingay is over and I'm back to reality, I really need to depend alot on myself in building that discipline and firmness in character so that I will not be easily swayed again. Although Chingay is not as big an event as the YOG, to have to struggle to make it for trainings and overcoming the fear of fire and the very wet rehearsals just after recovering from chicken pox and having only about a month left to the actual day, the victory of the Chingay item was especially significant to me in this aspect.

YOG helped me to forge much stronger ties with the people I love: Uchan, karen, and my sister. YOG sort of bought time for Uchan and I to hang out together like as if we were still together in zhonghua and not in different JCs studying different subjects. I got to know these few people so much better and of course trying to manage the daunting workload from school.

Chingay was another set of struggles, and to be honest I thought that I wouldnt make it for the performance because I was lagging behind and I would have to make alot of new friends again. The firetorch was the most challenging experience because due to some admin hiccups, I was permanently switched to a completely different group of torch bearers who were poly or uni soka members, and I knew NONE of them. I am a Soka member, but it felt like I was a stranger in my own land. I didnt have enough courage to speak to these seniors during the first fire training I attended and I felt so lonely and foreign. To make things worse, the fire torch was a scary thing to do and my heart would palpitate like crazy everytime we wielded them in our hands.

But fast forward everything, and I made it. When things seemed impossible, somehow I made it. And I figure that the trick to this is to simply stop worrying and hesitating and...JUST DO IT. Sometimes, it seemed like we were slow and messy and that we were heading towards failure. But, apart from reviewing and improving ourselves, we need to keep doing it, to keep trying. And not to bear resentment or negativity when we are in the midst of trying. Whoever that has never failed while trying has never really tried.

Moving out of one's comfort zone is easier than done, but once we manage to expand our zone, we would feel so much stronger, so much better. The first part is always the hardest. The hardest part of my designing job in TJ as a project officer is always the part when I have to embark on a new design assignment. I would play around with brushes for up to two hours at time before anything significant start to appear on the screen, and after that things would fall into place and I get my works done eventually.

I hope that to those who are trying to move out of their comfort zones and are challenging themselves everyday, do keep trying and trying and trying. Trying is really much better than sitting there and moping and thinking of all the possibilities and impossibilities with no action done. When you keep trying, before you know it you would have found a way out, you would have succeeded.

(this is especially for uchan who will begin her first day of work tomorrow!:D All the best my dear girl! And also to my poly friends who are having exams and alot of deadlines for their projects/assignments:D)

Am grateful that everything happened for a reason. I will continue to stay strong and be even stronger, so that I will not only spread light, but be the light!

"Live light, travel light, spread the light, be the light."
-from a random tumblr picture

***

Lastly, some recent pictures to sum up the recent events:

CHINGAY

The ASD girls :D

Soka members who are/were from TJ!

MET SHERRIE AT CHINGAY! DAMN COOL! GOSH I MISS HER!

The trio after the actual Chingay performance in my dad's car. Damn nice right my hair!

CHEESE!

C1!:DDDDD (minus zhenyang though)

I was too mesmerised by the fireworks. I'M SERIOUS!

DINNER WITH YH, KIM AND WT

To prove that we've graduated from TJ!

Before weiting knocked off from work

We still had room for icecream after pizza

The stuffed crust cheese hawaiian pizza!:DDD

You're the apple of my eye. Like literally. Used the Photogrid Android app.

At Gelare!

WOOHOO PRETTY FREAK!

THIS IS EPIC. TOTALLY LOOK LIKE A DIFFERENT PERSON.

nights!

And my soul is lifted

2012-02-03T15:56:00.000+08:00

When the soul is weary, the heart heavy, the music of Johann Sebastian Bach never fails to lift my spirits up. Thankful for the existence of such a wonderful composer who lived close to 400 years ago. Listening to all the major keys/happier-sounding pieces of his, especially from his Well-Tempered Clavier Prelude and Fugues.

You can listen to the beautiful rendition of the b major Prelude and Fugue (BWV 892) by Angela Hewitt here:

And now I shall get ready for the chingay preview performance. Grateful for the camaraderie that we have in SSA Chingay, and I am all out to get terribly wet, exhausted and give my very best. HUAT AH!

I'm stuck

2012-01-31T23:17:00.003+08:00

What is hypocrisy and what is being genuine all about?

Is trying hard to be nice... being a hypocrite? Does being genuine equate to showing it clearly that you dont like a person at all?

Where do we draw the line? When do the boundaries blur?

***

Other than that, it's been a great day at work. I'm ignoring the thing that I've been asked a few days back that caused some anger in me haha! I think I've been blessed!:D

changed, changing

2012-01-29T13:44:00.000+08:00

And so, I have finally jumped on the tech bandwagon and started using the Sony HD Xperia phone with the android OS. I'm trying to figure out a lot of functions. Man, this week has been a techie one for me, with fiddling with photoshop functions and now apps and phone functions. But I believe there's the IT-savvy genes in me (my dad is an IT engineer) and so I'll figure everything out today :D

Just created a new gmail account as well. When the fellow teacher-in-charge of mardi gras, ms tan, introduced me to the other teachers and gave out the notes of meeting, I felt very awkward when she put down my contact details as miss shannen ho, email add: starryatlantis@hotmail.com. I remember uchan telling me about a book she read; that email addresses must look professional so that we will look more professional and have a better impression on others when applying for jobs/interviews/scholarships/work matters. And so I've decided that after close to 8 years of using my starryatlantis acct, I will now use the formal gmail acct for work instead. It was a very embarassing experience trust me so if you guys don't have a formal acct already I really urge you to sign up for one.

***
Nice time spent yesterday with claudia, uchan and the guys- eikkar, yicheng, dave, weibing, jacob, shaun, boonkiat (shaun and boonkiat left early though). Didnt take any photos but it was really relaxing to just play blackjack, munching on chocolates and vegetarian pizzas, talking about the army life we'll never have to experience (hehheh) and playing with claudia's pets. This is the chinese new year I missed out on during the 1st 2 days of CNY so this really made up for my loss earlier on :D All the guys except weibing are entering tekong next week, so I'm glad that I also got the opportunity to meet up with all of them before they turn into eggheads haha!

Brought cracker out for a walk with claudia and uchan while the guys had their eyes transfixed on the tv screen and following the football match. We talked about how I had "graduated" while both of them were still stuck in the same rut. But am I really much better-off? I may have moved on, but currently I am not even sure of my own feelings. When we talk of such stuffs now, I find myself... speechless. I don't know how to describe what I've been feeling these days. Is there even a particular person or are those fleeting feelings, romanticisation of the otherwise dull reality of life? But anyhow, all three of us agreed that the best remedy to our vexations is just to meet much more people and hopefully find someone new.

It's not as easy as it sounds but it's what we really need. I guess we need to put in more effort in knowing more people instead of choosing to stay in our comfort zones and keeping ourselves to the same few people, the same few options. Not that a multitude of options are desirable, because it only makes things confusing and one very indecisive. But no harm in expanding our social network and make more friends, getting to know more types of people, and hopefully finding the type, the person we're looking for. Till then, I shall do my very best in keeping my heart open to love. It's fond of closing itself up more frequently as I get older, but I must do my best to remain open.

May we all find the solution to our problems. (and we missed you eliadaaaaaaa ): )

Looking forward to karaoke and visiting later. And also for chengtat to visit us in tj tomorrow before he turns into an egghead on wednesday too!

Words of wisdom

2012-01-28T15:13:00.002+08:00

"Just because the person doesnt love you the way you want to, it means that the person doesnt love you with all he has."

Parents will always love their children regardless of their crude words and terrible tongue-lashings. And we think they dont love us when they say such things at times.

Got to bring forth my wisdom, understand this fact, and stop crying.

Sucks to have the inability to hide my feelings and containing my emotions.

work and play

2012-01-26T23:10:00.000+08:00

Spent the whole of yesterday and today figuring out photoshop further. It is one hell of a complex and sometimes troublesome program, but the effects and results are really awesome. The hardest part for me in the arts is the technicalities such as the fingering, muscles and joints used when playing the piano; my brushstrokes in painting; and now in figuring out program functions in designing publicity material. I tried following tutorials but they either teach me stuff that I already know, or I follow and somehow I dont get it.

But alas, I managed to work things out and I'm 3/4 done with the tickets for mardi gras! Maiden attempt at heavy usage of photoshop brushes and layering. Used to hand-draw almost everything using the electronic drawing pad for the previous designs, but now I shall upgrade myself further by combining IT-savvy skills with traditional hand-drawn stuffs. Hope to finish them all by next week.

(And oh no, I'm still not done with the book I'm doing for my friend. Suppose to complete it and send it to her last week but maybe I'll have to delay it till her birthday in march =/)

I really like working in the music studio because 1) I'm in a familiar environment with all the wonderful memories shared with the mep class, 2) I can talk to some of the juniors and even seniors who either come back to visit/practice the piano lol, 3) I get to hear music, no matter if they're just rehearsing the same few bars close to 20 times or what. Inspires me to keep practicing my piano at least a few times a week (my only form of exercise apart from walking LOL)

Now I'm beginning to understand how if you enjoy the work and workplace, work doesnt really feel like work, all burden and bother.

Have a great day tomorrow! (TGIF!)

Forget these wide eyed fears

2012-01-25T22:49:00.000+08:00

Does fully accepting what has happened= talking about it as if nothing much happened?

If i dont want ppl to come talking or asking me abt it, I can always play dumber than ever and deny that such things happened before. But can I? Besides being really awful at telling lies, I find it illogical to erase such a significant memory when it has shaped so much of my life and thinking. What's there to hide apart from being used for a gossip topic? (though I really shudder at the thought of facebook stalking and comparisons)

I need to forget abt pretenses and the chances of being commented at. I'll stay true to my beliefs- not only to count the blessings but the blessings in disguise as well. I will learn to savour the cotton magnolia clouds, and also the clouds that look grey, gloomy and downcast, for rainbows and better days emerge after heavy storms.

My only concern is that you wont gain much from asking me just the juicy gossip questions that hover between sacarsm alongside sheer curiosity and ignorance. You wont learn from my mistakes, learn not to be like me, and you wont necessarily know me better despite being armed with supposedly private details of my life.

Need to overcome this intense self-awareness and consciousness.

CNY 2012

2012-01-24T14:55:00.001+08:00

It's the 2nd day of CNY and I'm at home in my jammies at almost 3pm in the afternoon.

Story goes like this:

I had only a piece of bread and a cup of milo yesterday morning at around 10plus, and we reached my grandma's hse at 1230pm. I stuffed myself with satay pork, fried fish and some sandwiches and two bowls of rice while I gulped down three glasses of F&N orange.

After spending time with my relatives, we headed to telok blangah soka centre for afternoon prayers. Headed for the Dreams & Reality Lunar New Year Open House at the National Museum of Singapore with my family thereafter. That's when I started to feel real cold, and no amount of rubbing from my mum and sister could make the goose pimples go away. I tried my best to be in awe of the really beautiful Impressionist paintings, but alas I couldnt take it halfway through with that strange queasiness in my stomach, one of being fanatically hungry yet bloatedly full. I sat down on one of the benches with my mum and rested my head against her shoulders, while the hordes of visitors crowded around the paintings and were busy snapping away.

I managed to catch Vincent Van Gogh's Starry Night later on when I felt slightly better to move my limbs towards the paintings. But I got progressively weaker and had to go home shortly after that. Changed into my jammies and tried to sleep, but for about an hour I drifted in and out of consciousness because my hands and feet were icy cold. I was afraid something would happen to me because I just couldnt get warm.

Mum cooked dinner later on after our visitors left (all this time I was trying to keep myself warm in my bedroom and couldnt even muster the strength to even greet them), and just when I thought I felt better, my temperature began to rise. It was about 39.1 degrees and I had to take panadols before sleeping and sweating all the excess heat out.

Woke up at about 4 plus in the morning today, and I dragged myself towards the dining table to eat. I was so hungry, but I didnt have much strength left to even open my mouth to eat. I had to coax myself mentally before I grudgingly swallowed a slice of bread and drank a cup of water before sleeping again.

***

And so, the only thing I managed to do today so far was to braid my sister's hair and look through the cny photos we took yesterday. Talk about the unpredictability of life.

But anyhow, I'm glad that I had a really sumptuous reunion dinner of korean BBQ with my family, and that for the first time in all my years, we had a peaceful journey to and fro my grandma's house. We would usually get into heated arguments yearly, and that would spoil the festive mood while my sister and I would force ourselves to smile and pretend that nothing happened when we go about visiting.

There are things to be thankful for, and let's just say that food is not the most important thing to me after all. I just hope that my relatives won't forget to drop me angbaos just because I can't go over to their places to visit them haha.

With lots of love

2012-01-21T04:40:00.000+08:00

Mind's Cafe + Bowling + Table Soccer + Pool + Dinner at tampines SAFRA and mall with the awesome bunch of mep peeps! (minus bh and stella though) Great day of chilling out, playing, gossiping and even talking about serious issues like politics. It's also my maiden attempt at bowling! I didnt do too badly thank goodness!

And of course, camwhoring woosh! I grabbed them all from facebook though. I ought to get an iphone soon. Fulfills my inner (cam)whorish desires.

While waiting to shift to our next lane for a second game of bowling

Model shots by model-wannabes

My current FB profile picture :D

iPhone is the best thing to camwhore with man.

Manpuku and their $1 icecream! (I'm the odd one with the vanilla flavour)

We did a collection of multi-shots for the five of us

who remained. (jamie left early) This was my set!

Couldnt rotate this idk why.

This is only from chengtat's album (and there are 77 of them?!). I really cant imagine how many more photos we'll have when dora uploads her camera album sometime soon man, cause we really took alot of photos of each other playing pool.

But anyhow, it was a really great day. It feels like we've never left TJMEP. I really miss us all hanging out together as one happy bunch, eight bundles of joy.

Love you guys loads :')

music

2012-01-18T23:49:00.003+08:00

How could I forget all the stigma, all the pain?

I'm sorry that my tone is so rough since I havent played in more than a month. I'm sorry that I chose to re-work on the grieg sonata 4th movement at 11pm at night. I'm sorry that it doesnt sound nice and that I really prefer to sightread classical pieces rather than playing and improvising pop songs with my eyes closed.

Why am I even practicing? Why should I even stop in the first place? It is intellectually challenging, requires good motor skills and lots of thinking and feeling. The important thing is that I really like it. Why should I stop?

I don't even know why I chose to stop playing for a month. It's useless. I can never break off this love, this attachment. And I'm not ashamed of it.

***

Music, music. I will never be able to run away from you but I promise I wont do it anymore. Sitting in the band room today brings back a huge tsunami of memories. I want to be a part of a band again and make music together.

I think it's not so much of the type of instruments that I'm playing but just the act of making music that I need to keep it going, because attempting to abandon it is like abandoning an aspect of myself.

It doesnt help that I'm working at the MEP office almost everyday as well, surrounded by piano classes, the group of people who chatter endlessly and happily about music, all the books and cds (I just borrowed ligeti's etudes from the library!!!:D love love), juniors and friends and seniors practicing away on their instruments.

Shall accept and embrace the fact that you're a part of my life and will never go away, my love.

2012-01-18T01:18:00.002+08:00

"In life when we feel that we have reached our limits, that is when the true battle begins. Just when you despair and think it is impossible to go any further, will you become apathetic, or will you say it's not over and stand up with an unyielding spirit? This battle is decided by this single determination."

-Daisaku Ikeda

***
For all the poly peeps who are working hard at school and to the friends who are having challenges at work after A levels (:

Sunday

2012-01-17T00:33:00.003+08:00

Went to hunt for food and then settled down for dinner at Kenny Rogers @ Holland V with uchan yesterday (sunday). We were dining on chicken (it's really yummy btw! and they serve really cheesy marcaroni and cheese YAYYYY) and talking about her FB status, which got us to the topic of appearances.

I told her how I feel that although she looked really pretty with her long hair and outfits during her jc days before she cut her hair, I dont feel that she looked less pretty with her medium length hair now. I dont mean to say that she shouldnt try to follow her old way of dressing and look good, but I just feel that as we get older, our thoughts having shifted and matured, we would want to present ourselves differently. I thought it was apt for our appearances to evolve rather than keep looking back and lamenting the good old days that can never come back again. We can't revive our old selves, but we can always be ourselves by changing the way we present ourselves to others and expressing ourselves in a different manner to keep up with our morphing selves.

Which in summary, it means that she has looked somewhat more womanly and lady-ish (not ladylike), and there's beauty radiating within, where one's inner strength quietly evokes its own charisma. Different, but no less beautiful (:

(Waiting for all the photos to be uploaded!)

Anyway, it was a much better meetup than the previous one, cause I was dressed sloppily for chingay trg and was rushing off after just an hour of lunch then. I really really adore Holland V! We could have spent more time posing for pretty shots and experimenting with iphone photography with the quaint shops around.

Was late for minghao's ngee ann poly band concert later in the day, but it was nice to see minghao, gladys and their friend siew ming! (Pictures are on facebook but whatever I'll just grab a few)

I'd better sleep now and get ready for work tomorrow! I love TJ lah but then TJ Y U SO FARRRRRR?!

First Day at Work!

2012-01-12T23:21:00.004+08:00

Today was my first day at work-ever!

I was quite free for the first hour, and then my work truly began. And I must say, although it's pretty challenging, I'm honestly really really looking forward to planning for Mardi Gras 2012! From the publicity to the deco to the vendors to the performing acts... Glad to be able to learn the ropes of planning and conceptualizing apart from getting a stable salary with flexible hours. Furthermore, it's an interesting and big-scaled project we're working on.

Not to mention with jamie working there and also xinyun, victor and cheryl phong (who will come in after cny to work in the same dept as me). And also mingxuan who popped by tj and is planning on getting a job in school as well (:

I was surprisingly very sleepy after work though.Must be the late night sleep and frowning for a few hours at the laptop screen trying to come with ideas. I scribbled a few ideation pages in my new planner, and I'm happy that my book is gonna be full of scribbles, thoughts and ideas.

Work and then chingay training tomorrow~ I will have the strong lifeforce to embrace the entire day, working and training efficiently with full of enthusiasm.

(Sorry I didn't take a photo to commemorate this special day D: I totally forgot about it until I was on the bus back home...)

And now, I shall have some bread for supper :D

NTU, chingay, outing

2012-01-09T12:32:00.002+08:00

Uchan and I went for totally different talks during the NTU talks, but I bumped into Rebecca and both of us and her friend sat for the ADM and WKWSCI talks. Uchan and I then had lunch and uchan had her hair curled then straightened by a salesgirl promoting jose eber hair straighteners and curlers. The products were pretty impressive on uchan's hair but I must say the salesgirl's skills wasnt really that good LOL.

Anyhow, I'm determined to get into WKWSCI and pursue what I want!

***

Chingay training on saturday was a very wet affair. And considering that I don't have the cape, you can just imagine how drenched I was for the entire body except my face.

Even though my feet still ache now from the few hours of soaking our legs in the water for rehearsal, I must say that the training was a good load of fun :D I'm really glad that although I missed out on so many trainings due to chicken pox, I managed to catch up on the choreography and make new friends! And of course, keep in touch with the other soka comrades whom I've always participated in events with. I really like my group, C1!:D And water performances are always tiring (because you try to dodge water splashes from others, having to run against the resistance of water really fast, and if you're not careful you can just slip and fall into the dirty pool) but nevertheless fun!

***
Yesterday was a 6A'05 outing we havent had since 2009. It was a small turnout of 10 out of the 40 plus people we had, but it was surprisingly an overall good outing. It was admittedly awkward at first though, since most of us havent met up since then (except for my two girls garwai and huimin of course). We were at marina barrage, we brought some food, BUT WE HAD NO CARDS/GAMES WHATSOEVER! But we decided to play pool at marina square, and I had my first game and my first proper ball in! *happy* Edison and John were patiently teaching the rest of us girls who either touched the stick for the first time or were damn noob at the game. So we bonded over missed shots, laughing at each other's mistakes and betting on who would win the game.

So things turned around and the awkwardness melted away into something more simple and heartwarming. I was really surprised that no one (including me), really talked about the A levels or university courses. Talked about work, my lack of work at the moment, and basically army/celebrity/random stuffs. It really makes me relieved that we are social enough to have topics beyond exams and boring school stuff.

I mean I really love mep alot, but to have to explain about what I've experienced in two years in 5 sentences to people who dont even touch the piano is just...difficult. And to have to explain the same thing to easily more than 20 people over the past two years is just weird and boring to me. To talk about the A levels is even worse, because it was a tough period, and by 18 we're just so sick of studying that when it's over it's really like GOOD RIDDANCE! So thank goodness for that (:

***

Getting the chingay costume later at night. Looking forward to it! And I shall enjoy my holidays now before I start work in a few weeks' time. I know everybody's working now, but well I shall bid my time and just do the things that I want, buy the things that I want, meet up with the people that I want :D Besides, chingay is like work, except that it's fun!

We go shopping

2012-01-07T00:45:00.001+08:00

Today's shopping trip with family was a success!

Bought a few outfits, and my sister got a few outfits too. The best thing is that the cuts are just so fitting and nice that they suit both of us! So that means we can exchange clothes and have more clothes to wear out!:D I really love japanese labels, their clothes and sense of fashion are just so goodddddd.

And hehheh, I highlighted my hair red! sometimes I wonder why I get so fascinated with hair colour, since not many people are making a fuss out of it. But oh well, doesn't matter. I'm happy, the overall money we spent in JB was affordable, so everyone is happy too :D

Signing up for the BTT tomorrow, and then it's the NTU talks with uchan, followed by the first technical run in the waters for chingay training. We're lighting up the fire torch for the first time tomorrow as well!

Really good to see everybody getting their lives going. Keep going everybody!

2012-01-05T13:16:00.002+08:00

My pageviews are jumping in numbers. Interesting.

My dad got me the highway code books alr! And I have an acoustic guitar, although it's a second-hand one from my cousin. BUT YAYYYY! I really hope that my determination to learn the guitar will not waver because of another broken string, malfunctions and the pain from pressing on the strings.

I really hope that jamie and I will be called down for the trainings and start working soon.
(but actually, why am I so anxious about working?)

Working on something for my friend. I was supposed to do this for her two years ago (because it was in J1/ 2010) but I never had the heart or time to get around to it.

Fast forward the time...and somehow I'm grateful to her for all that she has done for me. Used to dislike her quite alot but now I don't anymore. In fact, she became my consultation partner, arranging for consultations together with our subject tutors. And that hug on the last day of school... isit silly for me to think how I could even dislike her in the first place when I was probably the one who was severely misunderstood? I took out the post-its of encouragement that she wrote for me and stuck it on my scrapbook as well.

And to my another friend who I was really close with for some time. I saw the random notes she wrote for me on my books and gosh, how much I miss those times. Along with dinner at rivervale mall, the h2h at the canteen. She was that few non-mep and non-band friends who understood me and my weird sense of humor.

Will do my best to meet up with all the people who really matter to me. Make more wonderful memories with them!

Every little action and kind word really counts to a person. These are the things that people will remember in the long run more than anything else. Flaws and all, they seem blurred and so small in comparison to all the goodness they have given (:

First day

2012-01-05T10:49:00.001+08:00

And so it was my first day out of home.

I decided to go for a window-shopping trip with my sister and aunt at 313, and I got too excited over food. Ate yoshinoya, coldstone creamery icecream, vegetable rice at kopitiam...

and it ended with me covering my mouth and rushing to the sides of the passageway to somerset mrt. We hailed for a taxi and I vomited at my house downstairs. Fulfilled my dad's wish of sleeping before 12 because I slept at 10pm yesterday.

Lesson learnt: not to be too greedy and hanker after food so much. It's one of the material comforts I must learn to forsake when necessary. And also... wear a jacket in the mrt!

I really sincerely apologize to my entire family for this crap that I gave them. I really didnt expect this to happen. I was supposed to go for the make-up chingay training with germaine thereafter but obviously I went home instead.

On a lighter note, I managed to view clothes after all, but ehh...I guess I'll wait for the family trip to JB on friday to get my CNY clothing. For some reason, I don't subscribe to shops like F21, ZARA...isit because of the price tags that put me off? I really quite like desigual's bold prints, but the price tags were like WOAH. And they claimed that they were having a sale tsk!

I have trouble choosing clothes to wear, because I'm fond of printed tees and dresses. But they are difficult to mix and match without people being aware that I've worn them before. But those office wear... they look too grown-up for me to handle at the moment. Stuck between teenagehood and adulthood D:

So my first day was eventful. Even though I paid the price for being too greedy and ended up being sick, to be able to walk under the sun, to see multitudes of people walking around and being with my sister and aunt are simple joys that I relish so much (:

May today be a better day (:

2012-01-03T17:40:00.000+08:00

To my "ardent fan" who will somehow see this:

Dont get sian just because your letters/little notes to me are not in the scrapbook. I'm seriously considering another scrapbook dedicated to all things from you because I think they would be able to fill a book LOL!

***

Anyway, this scrapbook of mine is entirely random, from redemption cards to tags to post-its to random drawings. And of course, concert and movie tickets. Was thinking of making my own photo album too. Maybe I'll go get them tomorrow. I just dug up a bag full of neoprints that I've taken, and I think I can put them in an album too. Along with my polaroids!~

Scrapbooks are cool because you get to store all ticket stubs and other memorabilia in a book instead of piling them up in random stacks and never touching them until like twenty years later. I just cleared two metal tins' worth of stuff because I pasted them all into a book! They really save space. Will make another one when I feel like it :D

Scrapbooking/My hair colour

2012-01-03T17:28:00.002+08:00

One of the things that I've always wanted to do for myself:

A SCRAPBOOK.

And I managed to complete one yesterday, after spending the entire early afternoon till evening :D Here are some photos:

I'm a fan of cut-outs:D

A drawing I did in primary school, like p5?

Lol yeah I wrote this in my book.

The comic strip bookmark I did for zwinds open house in 2007 :D

Man, those were the good ol' days.

With all my cut-outs and stationery :D

The front cover.

Left: random bits + the old days when I fangirled kangin of super junior
Right: Snippets of the new york trip in 2010 :D

Post-its from claudia (which I had no idea where to keep so I pasted in here)
Also on the page is el's letter to me for my 17th birthday :D
(decided to put this letter in because of the photo there we took in sec 3.
I printed extra and couldnt bear to throw it away so I just put it in as well)

Drawings and random card on how to score for literature haha!

Letters from my creative director senior who entrusted the job to me thereafter :D

YOG + SSA 80th anniversay tag cards. GOOD OL' DAYS!

Alicia wrote me this random note in sec 4 and I couldnt
bear to throw it away, so I pasted it on the last page :D

***

Okay, so I decided to take shots of myself just to see my hair colour under the sun when the sunlight shone into my room. To my horror, my hair looked so freaking brown that I cant believe that I actually dyed red last month! Although I'm glad that it's the dyed kinda brown, I DYED MY HAIR RED AND THEN I HAD TO SPEND A MONTH AT HOME BECAUSE OF CHICKEN POX. Never get to show off much D:

Sorry for the sun exposure. I know I look like a ghost.
But look at my hair! It's brown, brown, brown!

The last tinge of red is gone ):
I really feel like dyeing it again for CNY.

One of my battle scars from chicken pox on my arm. (The rest are on my back and chest)

Sorry to whine a little, but I really liked my red hair. I need to do something about it man!

On a good note, I'll be able to go out from tomorrow onwards! Looking forward to it :D

(and I have so many choreography moves to catch up on for chingay...)

New Year

2012-01-01T23:19:00.001+08:00

It makes me really happy to know that people are having a wonderful new year from facebook and blogs (:

Mine was spent gobbling up a whole loaf of baguette(or isit french loaf) with my sister while laughing at Henry Higgin's bullshit and Audrey Hepburn's cockney accent in My Fair Lady. We did vacuum the floor and clear our dustbins, and also turned on all the lights in our house for good luck (yeah I know it's superstitious but it's nice to see the house so bright and cheerful).

Just spent some time talking to my mum a moment ago, and I seldom have girls' talk with my mum. It felt really good. It's just that I find it funny at different times and periods, my family will come confiding in me stuffs. My dad will often do that while driving me to and fro school, my aunt will do that when I'm at home, my sister when it's dead in the night, and my mum at times like these when it's just me and her. Glad to be of some use and significance in this family haha.

Three days to freedom! I CANT WAIT~

:D

2012-01-01T21:34:00.001+08:00

"Everyone is a genius. But if you judge a fish based on its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid."
- Albert Einstein

And that's why, Albert Einstein is one of the greatest geniuses of all (:

(And also why I should stop thinking that I'm stupid. Shall begin with the first day of the new year thinking that I'm smart!)

NYE

2011-12-31T20:56:00.000+08:00

Watched: Kungfu Panda, Street Fighter, Aristocats, Anastasia.

Shall watch My Fair Lady later with my sister. My parents and aunt are at the wake, and because I'm technically still down with chicken pox, I can't attend the wake at all. We'll both pray for him later on as well.

2011 has been an intense year. So much of my time was spent in school, but in all, every moment was well spent. And well, I can't say that I love my homestay, but I'm embracing and am finding ways to enjoy and beter myself everyday. Being human, moments of despair, anger and disappointment are unavoidable. But considering the amount of good times I had with my family and lovely friends, I still feel blessed (:

Thank you all who have stayed with me, cheered me on, encouraged me, motivated me. To all who have loved me through the good and bad times. I just want to say that I love you all back the same as well.

Maybe I'll do some housework with my sister later as well. What's a better way to start the year than a cleaner house?:D

HAPPY 2012 IN ADVANCE EVERYBODY!

MEP

2011-12-30T23:55:00.002+08:00

Thinking of the times with tjmep people makes my heart skip a beat. There are so many people that I want to thank, but I just have to dedicate a post to this special group of people as the year closes.

(Not that all of you will read it, but I still want to express my feelings yeah)

Man... I always tell people that whenever I think of TJ or if people ask me about the best moments in my JC life, the first thing that comes to my mind are the times spent in mep and with the people there. I find it truly amazing that of all people, the 8 of us are gathered together in this school, this batch, taking this subject called H2 music (and plus H3 music for the three of us). It is as if the invisible notes and staves of music have somehow pulled us all together, and we have thus ended up here as classmates, as batchmates. Eight individuals, talented in their own ways, pursuing their own dreams, staying together for two years.

I can't think of any other justification except that it was the wondrous workings of fate that had us arriving at this same spot, embarking on a 2 year journey together, conquering the A levels.

We were such individuals that it took almost a full year before we began to open up to one another. But once we did, I wouldnt say we were inseparable, but we enjoyed each other's company so much alongside music as a subject that the music block became our favourite hangout. Playing pieces for one another, doing piano improvisations, lying on the wooden floor or danced around with joy at the recital studio. Singing out hearts out and honed our performing skills in front of one another in the auditorium. Pulled each other through difficult times with encouragements, notes, letters. The drawings and hilarious jokes. The silly antics we did. The study sessions and dinners. The pseudo compo camp and helping one another to pack the files and get the portfolios ready. The class photos. The three very dedicated, lively and humorous teachers. (plus one teacher/alumni/my senior HAHA) On days where my eyes could barely open, entering the music rooms would lift my spirits and my eyes would be shining with vigor and joy. On days where I couldnt get out of bed, I would force myself up when I knew there was music class or lunch with them that day.

You guys were one of my strongest pillars of support in TJ. With us being the misunderstood minority that we're wholly talented and therefore music is a piece of cake for us- we needed each other even more to press on, to work even harder to do well, to breakthrough, to overcome, to exceed expectations. Musical vocabulary and experiences were broadened during the two-year study, and I finally learnt how to compose a coherent piece of music. I've learnt that being perfect pitch can be a blessing but also...nothing much. I've learnt to love the music inside out, and to play with such feeling that my hair would stand. (It's been awhile since I felt that way now)

People always assume that taking MEP= professional musicians in the future. While it is true for some, I only know that it'll always be a big part of my life, whether or not it becomes my career. We are all aiming for different things, and in years to come, our paths may diverge so much that we may not get to see each other that often. But this one entity called music will always hold us together, and no matter how far apart we may be in the coming years, we'll never forget the power of music, the times we had. At least I won't.

I pray that the friendships remain true, continue to grow, and that our love for music deepens with the passing of time. And I love every single one of my friend in there. Always.

This will always be one of my precious memories :')

Decked my wall

2011-12-30T18:38:00.002+08:00

Random sketch. The girl is filled up with stars.

Another random drawing I made.

Before I decked my walls...

And after! (Sorry for the bad lighting, but my cam died alr)

Things that keep me motivated

Should try to treasure my time here at home. I really long to go out, but it's not everyday that I get to have all the time in the world to do such stuffs. Can't wait for next week!

I'm hoping to expend all my energy today, so that I won't have another sleepless night.

Dear Uncle

2011-12-30T18:13:00.003+08:00

I wouldnt say that we have been pretty close as relatives because I never really spoke much to you for all these years. But you were a constant figure in our lives, and your passing has left an indelible impact on us. Your life was a miracle, having outlived so many dangerous events such as the many strokes, blindness in one eye, as well as other sicknesses. In the end, cancer ravaged your body, but you managed to go in peace, with the presence of a loved one by your side.

Please rest in peace. We'll all pray for your happiness.

Sorry that I wouldnt be able to attend because I can't go out at all until next week. I'll never get to see you again, but you'll always be in our hearts.

Love,
shannen

How I feel right now

2011-12-30T01:10:00.001+08:00

With all the time in the world
confined within a single space
Million things to be done
yet she wanted none

Once let loose
all time and space
they would run by her fingers and face

And she would lament
all the thoughts she could ferment

The time lost

within a

single

s p a c e

***

Out of boredom and a desperate need to express myself with the written word, I just wrote a few paragraphs of a story of sorts. It's far from complete, but I guess whenever I feel like that again, this indescribable... frustrationangstboredomneglectandotherpettyemotions, I'll just vent it in the form of a story.

Psychological and emotional turmoil are the hardest to grapple with.

Mountains

2011-12-29T23:54:00.000+08:00

We've all heard of the Chinese saying: 一山还有一山高, but honestly I just feel that there are tons of mountains out there right now. I feel like a sand particle on the beach, like a dust lying by the window.

How do I gather myself from here?

Gaining independence

2011-12-29T22:31:00.001+08:00

It can be a daunting challenge and intimidating at first.

Yesterday was the very first time that I decided to devote my entire evening/night away just to read more about the courses that I'm interested in, as well as the career prospects. As I was reading forum threads and articles about them, I admittedly got a little frightened for the future. Not because the future is bleak, because it is the supposed 2012- it is only because I really have to decide for myself what I really truly want and need in my life.

What do I value the most? What are the things that I'm really passionate about? Can I enjoy my work and earn a living out of it? Do I want to settle down? How am I going to spend the remaining months of this surreal honeymoon period before the undergraduate studies begin? Will I be able to contribute back meaningfully to society and family?

As the thoughts followed up in chains, I found myself standing at the crossroads of life. There are so so so many paths at this particular spot that I'm standing, but ultimately I can only choose one path. Which path am I going to take?

Then there is the question of what if that path is not the most desirable? What if the course that I'm taking turn out not to be the best?

I think this transition from young adult to a complete, fully matured adult is going to be a more challenging and exciting ride. Things that I've never considered before start to dominate my daily thoughts. Of having to choose the very best for myself, because no one else can choose it for me.

I think I've been used to my parents deciding and taking care of so many things for me, and while I'm truly grateful for the unconditional love and care given, I can sense that from this part onwards, I have to start taking charge of my own life and decide how I want it to turn out.

Not everything may come true of course, but with goals and dreams, there is direction, purpose and motivation to work for what you want. Oh yes, and things like trying to sign up for the BTT and whether to take ATCL or LTCL or just put my piano diploma on an indefinite hold...

Suddenly I feel like a leader. A leader taking charge of so many aspects of life, being in charge of a life- myself. The two main reasons why I chose the A levels, JC route were because:

1) I really really wanted to pursue music further and formally at least till pre-university level (which I did)
2) I needed more time to consider my university course and career choices

And that's how I put off a lot of responsibilities for my own life for a while, letting the education system sweep me away with tests, exams and assignments coming in like avalanches. I don't know if it's the same for you though.

I pray for wisdom and direction in my life, and that at the end of the day, everything will somehow stand in my way. May the same go for you too (:

Ah and now, maybe I should try to gather my portfolio for the next few months...

on the android

2011-12-28T14:04:00.001+08:00

Wow this is my first time tapping away on an android touchscreen! I prefer typing on the keyboard of my netbook though.Been watching a slew of tv programmes on miotv whilst trying to get a cross-stitch work done with my sister. It's our 3rd day on it and we're still only colouring the whites of the cat's paws. Meowww.I didnt know that a day can pass by that peacefully. Maybe it's because althouggh the spots still look angry and some swollen, they dont really itch anymore. I aim to go for my chingay training on 5th jan. I must be well by then!Grateful for the relevant reading material that i've found online on sgiquarterly.org that are insightful and remind me of my ultimate mission to not only bring happiness to others but also allow ppl to discover the human and goodness in themselves. The questions and doubts I have in buddhism, they remind me of truths, of other courageous ppl who are not only fighting to triumph in their lives but also giving back to the society and world. I need to remember my sense of purpose as well, giving back more in the future.It's a beautiful day today.

PICTURESQUE

2011-12-25T19:39:00.002+08:00

A random sketch I made last week

Another random sketch.

幾米's Don't Worry, Be Happy! (Ignore my nails pls)

The three books my dad bought for me!:D

The planner that I'm gonna use for 2012! Looks real pretty! Wish he bought the 星空 book too though haha.

Good tidings for christmas

2011-12-25T14:15:00.002+08:00

MERRY CHRISTMASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!:D
HOHOHO! MAY TODAY BE A JOYOUS AND HAPPY OCCASION FOR ALL!

From your lovely relative of Santa,
S. HO

***
And so,my parents are back safely and while the stuff they bought back are not as much in terms of quantity, but in terms of what I really want and the quality, MAN I WAS SO HAPPY!:D While more red spots are making temporary homes on my body (they're spreading to my legs and other ahem parts AND THEY REALLY ITCH OMG), I got my hands on 幾米's illustration books and a planner for next year! He's one of my favourite illustrators after uchan got me one of his first illustrations/notebook, 开始 about 1 to 2 years back (come to think of it...was it really that long ago?!). Anyway, the illustrations are all coloured so they're really beautiful :D

Just a few days ago, I kept wondering why my dad kept asking me to talk to my sister if I'm done talking with him. I thought...maybe the love was unequal. But well, it may be unequal but it is fair in the sense that it is enough for each of us. I tried not to get worked up because I have this feeling that I was being too sensitive about things (which turned out to be true), and when my dad showed me the books he got for me, I was really touched. He came back with a bad sore throat and according to my mum, he went great lengths to get the books for me because I wanted them. (I don't think it's very very hard to find, but more of like hard for a non-book lover to get himself to look through books, especially cartoonish books and choose the better ones to bring back home for his daughter).

They both tried to be fair, and I think they did. They shower my sister with a different kind of love, and for me another kind. But they're both love from parents who would do anything within their means to protect, nurture and make their children happy. In my even younger days where I asked my dad why both he and mum would pamper my sister so much, he told me that it's because we're different and they couldnt possibly give me such love. I understood and realised this, but sometimes being an unreasonable, angsty growing adult, I somehow choose to forget all these reasons. We then lament to the skies, the ground and cry in the toilet, wondering why we're not loved.

I find myself particularly strange sometimes, because I know a lot of truths to things; truths that people don't even know yet. But for some reason, there are some truths which I choose to ignore. In Buddhism, ignorance is a fundamental darkness in our lives, and choosing to ignore truths can lead us back to the path of astray; of gloom and pessimism. We're always fighting with them daily because sometimes, there are truths which defy logic. They defy what we've always known, what we've always assumed. I guess when people learn to understand that the world is made up of illogical truths and accept them will we have true world peace.

But at least I get to remember them on a festive occasion, and I hope these truths will be ingrained in me for life.

So yes, happy holidays people!

gratitude (:

2011-12-24T15:27:00.002+08:00

We shouldnt question the love given to us,
but to receive them with joy and open arms.

(And of course give them back unconditionally too!)

Thankful and grateful for the love that I've received, from well-wishes on facebook and sms to thoughtful pdf files/letters (: And am very relieved when my parents called back home after being MIA for almost 3 days straight without a phone call. They usually call us every like half a day, so when they didnt call and they didnt answer the phone, my sister, aunt and I really panicked though we managed to stay calm. They're coming home at night, so yay we can see them and the stuff they've gotten!

I have managed to compile 32 of my own poems/lyrics so far, HOHOHO!over a span of lol, 6 years. HMMM NOT BAD. I have only one chinese poem in my collection so far haha! Would love to write a chinese poem again someday, but maybe when my chinese language has been fully revived. My goodness I still can't believe that I wrote that fateful chinese poem, the only one I've ever written, and then it got published in the school's annual compilation of essays and poems. TSK! Me, having a chinese poem published of all things?! I have this feeling that lian lao shi had nothing better to publish and she just chose whatever that seemed okay. But oh well it's funny to see it being immortalised in a freaking book!

Wanted to write a poem in lieu of christmas to sum up my feelings, but unfortunately nothing comes up in my mind. I blabbered a long post prior to this but deleted the draft because I found it too lengthy for Christmas.

It's so hard to thank people merely through words. But just know that since you guys know me, when I say that I'm grateful, I'm indeed immensely grateful such that the hair on my body will stand (except for the ones on my head), and tears can even well up in my eyes! (actually, won't I look like a freak when that really happens?) But yes, I know you guys get the point that I love you all and appreciate all the love :D

Shall continue with my ZHA JI AH MA (HAHA KIMJOO!)~

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVE TO EVERYBODY!:D

11 more days

2011-12-23T19:12:00.005+08:00

You know, I really now wonder how old folks like grandma managed to get by the last few years staying at home almost all year round before she died? The only place she really went to was the hospital the last few times.

Having to stay at home for a month in total is just I'm sorry, a kind of nightmare for an 18-year-old raging with hormones and having too much energy. But when I think of those who are handicapped and may not even get to use the computer... I summon the courage to log onto facebook again because it's my only portal of sorts to the outside world and know what's going on with all my friends (at least publicly).

But I can tell you, when you're suffering like that, it can be really trying to calm yourself down and instead learn to appreciate and be grateful for everything that has happened. It is just so hard. How do those who are severely handicapped or chronically ill can make themselves pull through those neverending hard times just amaze me when I think of it.

I just have to keep going. This is the ultimate test of my patience so far, and I can't lose it. And I can't scratch and make those bubbles pop either.

at home

2011-12-23T14:15:00.002+08:00

One of my blisters just burst while glossing over them with my fingers. It was quite scary, because chicken pox are really like bubbles. My head hurted alot as well, so I slept from 830pm till 1am, watched this orang utan documentary while waiting for 230am to come to take my antibiotics, then watched gao xiao xing dong on youtube with my sis till 330am, and then slept all the way till 1230pm today.

The blisters are relatively few in comparison with my sister's, but yikes I felt two on my scalp! I get the real thing at the end of my so-called quarantine period... what a joke.

But well, it's kind of good thing because I have the time to really do something that I've always, always wanted to do: organize and store my attempts at poetry/lyric writing in a chronological order electronically.

Some people may find it weird and an act of narcissism, but honestly I really want to see the shift in my thoughts over the years, as well as the command of my language. It's also a good summary of what happened during those years that compelled me to write poems/lyrics- ranging from boredom to heartbreak to angst to exhaustion. Still in the midst of compiling and I actually have more poems written than I thought. Dug out all my old homework diaries and private diaries to reproduce them online.

But okay, the REAL REAL reason why I'm doing this is because I may throw these old books with three million childish rants inside due to the lack of space in my room. But as I looked at my past creations...man it's hard to throw them away. But one day I'll have to do it so might as well keep all these stuff online, where they would not be ravaged by the hands of time.

I am also currently re-reading chao ji ah ma. I want to organise and clear the clutter of my past to make way for the new year. If I can't go out till 4jan, I shall make the best of my time and do my best to complete these things that I've always wanted to do. I've already tidied up my room and I'm happy with the results thus far. Can't wait to re-decorate the room with newly done up noticeboards too when my head doesnt feel that heavy.

"Why are you crying?!"

2011-12-22T13:11:00.003+08:00

Because:

1) There are blisters erupting all over my body at this moment.
2) They are erupting on the last day of my two weeks quarantine at home.
3) I would need another two weeks for the blisters to erupt and then heal.
4) I cant go outdoors for another two weeks at least.
5) It feels like I should have just gone out over the past two weeks, attend band prac and chingay trainings.
6) This whole thing feels like a joke even though I'm sure that it will be another blessing in disguse.
7) I need to release my feelings somewhere.
8) My aunt will have to look after me, thus denying her of her freedom to go out.
9) I feel like a hindrance and not doing anything right, missing so many events.
10) I know I will feel better after crying them out, which I am beginning to feel now.

I will need to survive on phonecalls, books, sketchbooks, the internet, the tv, my piano. The blisters are hurting now but I'm gonna stay positive and get back on track real soon. I know that more will erupt too, and I will be spotty all over. But okay I'd rather get it now than when my work begins and CNY arrives. That would be real shit man.

I will find a way to catch up on chingay trainings. Not gonna give up on them. Things will work out somehow. Believe, pray and rest. Yes and I will have no choice but to sleep early now. And continue my porridge and bread diet.

2011-12-22T12:16:00.003+08:00

I'm going to see a doctor later.

I'm too confused now. I feel angry and sad and disappointed and choked up, a concoction of all the bad feelings that makes it so difficult to describe.

And I had a nightmare of sorts as well.

):

Goals of sorts for 2012 and beyond

2011-12-21T16:10:00.005+08:00

I want to learn to be someone who is not afraid of making mistakes;
because mistakes lead to valuable lessons and successes.

I want to learn to be someone who can see her own strengths as much as her own flaws;
because it is with these strengths that I can make this world a better place.

I want to learn to be someone who can love herself through the good and bad times;
because the love within is the love that stays with me through it all.

I want to learn to be someone who constantly seeks for challenges daily;
because that is how I will become better throughout my life.

I want to learn to be someone who dares to pursue her passions relentlessly;
because work that consists of passions is never work at all.

I want to learn to be someone who has more positive thoughts in her head;
because positive thoughts yield positive results.

I want to learn to be someone who gets creative at every single moment;
because a life filled with creativity is a life well-lived.

I want to learn to be someone who has a much bigger heart that continues to expand;
because then I will have even more love to give to family and friends.

I want to learn to be someone with a thicker skin and much more patience;
because the world needs more who can give and take, forgive and forget.

I want to learn to be someone that lights her own candle when the world has gone dark;
because when I learn to light up ourselves I can then light up others too.

I want to learn to be someone who continues to learn in zest and enthusiasm;
because learning is another joy bestowed upon us in this world.

I want to learn to be someone who gives without expecting to receive;
because a heart that truly gives is a joyous heart indeed.

I want to learn to be someone who counts every single misfortune as a blessing in disguise;
because I can then be happy under all circumstances.

I want to learn to be someone who is no longer doubtful about her hard work and determination;
because no effort put in is ever, ever wasted.

***

What's your personal goals? (:

Holidays FTW :D

2011-12-21T15:42:00.002+08:00

Successfully stayed off the computer yesterday and got to clear my room a little!

Was on the phone with uchan yesterday as well, and haha my goodness I love the feeling of just chatting about things without having to rush for time. HOLIDAYS FTW!:D

Played on the piano for the first time in almost a month. I'm hoping to complete learning the 3rd mvmt of Bach's italian concerto (my favourite Bach piece!) and poulenc's 1st novelette. Been wanting to learn them, and they will be more mangeable than kapustin's concert etudes. I FINALLY HAVE TIME TO LEARN THEM OH YESSSSSSSS. I thought I was sick of piano, wanting to be away from it for awhile. But the time away has only kinda rejunvenated my love for it (: It's always good to take a break from such passions sometimes, especially after working so hard for the exams for the past 2 years.

But I'm still considering about taking LTCL straightaway instead of starting from ATCL... I dont know why my teacher gave such a suggestion. I know that I want to eventually carry on with my diploma but is LTCL necessary? But I played the ATCL repertoire for my A levels already, so I'm kinda bored with it. Wanna learn something new. Shall see how.

Shall blast ayumi's music in my room and continue with my cleaning up. Make way of the clutter for the new way and a more inspired and creative mind (:

Seriously...HOLIDAYS FTWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

LOL

2011-12-20T02:00:00.002+08:00

Ahem, the prince charming post.

I sounded funny. I bet I'll be laughing at my thoughts written this year in the future as well.

Love

2011-12-19T20:39:00.006+08:00

I've been watching WGM and shows so much recently, but in actual fact I really admire only a few couples:

1. Mr and Mrs Lee Kuan Yew
2. Ikeda sensei and Mrs Ikeda
3. My parents

The kind of love that weathers all storms, all heated arguments and violence. The kind of love that endures everything and only grow deeper with time. The kind of love where they share common ideas and goals, and want to carry them out together. The kind of love where both parties can grow old together willingly and never regretting it for a single moment.

Whenever I watch variety shows where the young and attractive celebrities are asked about their ideal type of guy/girl, I tried asking that myself and I found out that the only ideal type I really want is mutual love. A love that is not clingy but nourish one another. And then the kind of love I mentioned above.

If Lee Kuan Yew and Ikeda sensei are like legendary figures and seemingly out of reach, I'm proud to say that my parents have indeed proven that such love exists. Theirs is a love that is not outwardly expressive, and I must say that my dad is not a romantic at all. But somehow beneath their character flaws lies their strong support for one another, and showing care and concern for one another without ever saying the words "I love you" in front of us before. I grow up in a household where love is expressed through the unspoken; it is very hard to speak to them about feelings and stuff. But it has not stopped us from learning what love is all about. And I think the love that shows off the least speaks and moves the most.

I don't know why I'm talking about this! Maybe I'm just hoping that whenever any of you who reads here are interested and can afford the time, go read up on Lee Kuan Yew and even Daisaku Ikeda. They are great men backed up by great wives and they love their soulmates wholeheartedly. Both couples are so blessed, really. The love they have for one another couldnt be more realistic, more genuine than this.

My dad always tells me this: "Developing one's faith should be like the flowing river, gradual but steady. Don't be like the burning fire, passionate for a moment but extinguished at the next." I think love's like that too.

Looking back at the past, I can see how my ideas on love have changed. I used to think that my parents were quarrelsome and unromantic and as much as I was pretty unromantic, my heart really exploded everytime a romantic gesture was extended to me. I remember a blog post back in 2006 where I talked about "hoping for a prince charming" (walau very embarrassing now that I think of it!!!) which this particular friend liked to tease me about. I don't know how to say this but... I don't need a bombastic fairytale where the plot runs dry after a climatic romance anymore. I don't want to have to lean onto someone anymore and then crash onto the ground when the support disappears.

I only need love that is unchanging yet as breathtaking as the sun rising and setting every single day, giving light and warmth not only to ourselves but to everyone else around. Working towards our goals together.

And as weird as it is to talk about these stuffs to my few readers, I would like to chronicle this down and then before I write another love-related post five years later, I can look back at this and see how much I have changed or not changed. The beauty of diary/blog entries.

After this, I'm just going to take a look at my 06' post and laugh to myself a lil.

Goodnight y'all. May we all find the love we seek for.

Vague

2011-12-19T02:30:00.002+08:00

You know how music expresses the unexpressed;the difficult feelings of certain nuances and shades that cannot be named and only heard and felt? It's one of the reasons why I love music so much, why I chose to study it for the A levels.

But there are times where I wish that there are proper, defined words that encapsulate this whole mess of emotions that I feel all the time. The yearning is the one that frustrates me the most. What am I yearning for? Who am I yearning for? I don't know, there is no definite answer in my head.

I used to have a particular picture of a person in my head when things about love pop up in shows, in books, during conversations, etc. Now, people flash across my mind, and I only have this feeling of... vagueness. It's like being in a fog. I don't know who that shadow in front of me is. Or is that shadow an illusion? Is that just mine alone or someone else? I used to have standard answers for people who wanted to know what my dreams are. Be a musician! Be a writer! Be a scientist! An archeologist! (one of my first dream jobs until I watched The Mummy and had nightmares from it) But what is my real dream? It is as vague as just wanting to make others' day a brighter one, to contribute meaningfully back to society, to make this a world a better place with my existence and skills.

Everything is vague. I don't know what is going on at times. I thought being older meant being wiser, not being more confused and having more clouds in my head.

Music always expresses such vagueness, things that cannot be said but only felt with the heart. I don't know about you though, but there are times where I wish I were like others, having concrete dreams such as wanting to be a vet, a teacher; knowing very well who you are loving at this very moment, regardless whether the person reciprocates or not.

I understand that life is unpredictable and therefore the direction in which we head towards to is being created at every moment. We always want that sense of security, being sure of what we are going to do with ourselves. What if I let the currents of life sweep me around? What if I just walk on through the fog? The waves will finally hit the shores, and I'll make my way out of the fog, right?

There will be lights to guide me home- to where I'm supposed to be, who I'm supposed to be with. Will learn to trust the lights, trust that my life is irreplaceable and precious and therefore going to be meaningful and wonderful.

Happiness is a perspective

2011-12-18T12:52:00.003+08:00

Completed the Prince of Persia xbox game yesterday! So proud of my sister and I!:D there were really hard monster battles and tricky booby traps and puzzles, but with a little help and determination, we did it!

But when I saw fiesta pictures...ah it seemed so long ago when I played for our own fiesta concert last year. I'm glad that the people had fun, as always the case with tjcsb!

I could keep looking at facebook and get depressed over the fact that I'm still stuck at home. But I can choose not to look (as I did for the past two days until this morn), have fun at home in my own way and look at the brighte side of the sun shining into our house now.

Happiness is a perspective. Happiness can be relative too. If we always chase after relative happiness, we will never have lasting happiness. But if we learn to be content with our own lives, striving for improvements in our own ways, we'll always be happy no matter how others might look at us.

I want to watch You're Beautiful, with the charming yonghwa and the real cute hongki haha! I dont know the name of the guy with the bad attitude and eyeliner, but I really like him the most because he seems to exude this coolness and distance, but yet underneath I believe that he's full of warmth. Lol what's up with me liking guys with eyeliner man! First Bill Kaulitz, then Adam Lambert, now this guy...

Have a great day, and may you find your own happy perspective :D

Realm of impossibilities

2011-12-16T21:41:00.002+08:00

In the realm of impossibilities,the sun shines down.
The hair turns as red as her face.
Many snapshots.
Together.

In the realm of impossibilities, the sands are as real as they get.
The eyes reflect the gold of the dust on her arms.
Felt warmth.
Together.

In the realm of impossibilities, the trees sway to the rhythm of the winds.
The cheeks curved up alongside the corners of her mouth.
Smiling, grinning.
Together.

In the realm of impossibilities, the face was blurred and forgotten.
The heart embraced her soul.
Lost, found.
Together.

On the 8th day...

2011-12-16T21:02:00.003+08:00

Been playing this xbox game titled Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time since yesterday with my sister, and we've managed to complete 60% of the game so far :D One of the best ways to distract ourselves from the mundanity of having to stay at home for another week.

I am beginning to appreciate gaming much more, because to be honest, gaming requires great strategy and motor skills, and I watched in awe as my sister devised successful plans to get past booby traps and performed those superhuman aerial stunts often seen in games. I was in charge of fighting off monsters because I am really much better at it. Strategy is required to kill them effectively without dying off first of course, but I think the ones that my sister have done were truly impressive. Cant wait to complete the game with her!

I realised that my terrible moodswings for the past week was actually due to PMS. My usual signs are more visible, such as bloating and soreness, but this time it really affected my mood instead, without any of the bloatedness and sore feelings. Anyhow, today I feel really good; the usual side of me has returned (:

Tomorrow is fiesta and I'm sitting at home, typing this post and sorting out my accessories- the ones that are too old and rusty and childish to be worn vs. the relevant ones that I'll keep wearing at least for now. Really wish that I was there. May the concert be a great success no matter what!

And I hope that my room becomes really neat and cleared of the unnecessary clutter. I am really looking forward to getting a new diary for 2012. Thinking of getting a pretty scheduler and plenty of space to still doodle, jot down random notes and pen my deepest thoughts. (Okay that's...vague. But thats one of the first things that I'll want to splurge on when I get to go out haha!)

Shall continue to sort out my earrings~

.

2011-12-14T21:49:00.002+08:00

I don't understand...

You spend a paid overseas call scolding people when I did make up my mind to sleep earlier today?

I wanted to be that nice daughter who is excited to hear about the first day that both of you have spent in china, and this is what I get?

All the videos that I've watched to cheer myself up, forget about the frustrations I feel from not being able to step out of the house and eating the food that I want to eat are for nothing because I feel tears spilling out.

So I am a liar and a game addict to both of you. Well I'm sorry that I tried to be good then.

(I don't know what to name my poem)

2011-12-13T18:19:00.003+08:00

We can always blame others;
anything and anybody that exist
outside our hearts.
Circumstances can be the cause
the origin, the only source
leading to the birth of Misery.

Things have been set in stone and giant boulders
engraved with the word:
Expectations.
They bleed darkness on the grounds
it would suffice that
we bathe in them and not get out ever.

Then there are the mountains
where over millions of years
they continue to grow.
Have you ever tried building sandcastles
with your bare hands
and nothing else?

When a small pile comes up
we yearn to build mountains
and beautiful castles for the birds to rest in.
Then the waves come crashing
the piercing sounds of the seagulls
and all is back to what it has always been.

The mountains
millions of years in age
beckons to us to catch up with them.
We try to-
scooping up the golden dust furiously
only to have the winds and waves reduce them to dust once more.

And then the wind whispers in our ears
with the ebb and flow of the tides providing rhythm
and the birds and laughter giving notes to music
"Isn't it as lovely
to be as flat as the ground
to be what we truly are?"

Once people understand that
they learn to contend with
feeling the sands in their hands.
Others still want to build sandcastles
but they would construct them
according to their realms of imagination.

We don't need to be mountains
we don't have to drown in the overwhelming darkness
of the stones and boulders.
We don't have to blame circumstances
and any other being/thing in this world
for what we are.

It is as lovely
to embrace ourselves
and be who we want to be.

(13/12/2011)

The difference between like and love

2011-12-13T16:18:00.003+08:00

"If I were to use an analogy, like is like dandelions- they give you a soft and nice feeling. Love is like the seeds of the dandelions that stay on the ground and grow, whereas for like, like the dandelion flowers, they are easily spotted and flown away. Love is like the seeds that require nourishment and care."

(paraphrased from the words of SNSD's seohyun from WGM)

Nice analogy from a young celebrity who has just experienced love for the first time (:

Healing?

2011-12-13T11:36:00.002+08:00

My dad finally fixed the adobe flash player, and I got to watch the latest episode of WGM at last :D

I tried working on my blogskin yesterday, even coloured the picture of the face and hair but alas... I think I will have to try again. I just want to see how many drafts must I do before my true inspiration comes? But then again, it really sucks to work on such things when you dont get the feeling at all.

But ah well no rush, no rush.

How's my chicken pox? I dont know if it's a blessing or not, but they're pretty mild so far. If it remains mild, it means that I have some kind of immunity against it. Hopefully it is and not surprise me with a sudden outbreak of the blisters a few days later. The existing spots are healing so I'm happy with that. Other than that, I'm really bored. It's been like, my 5th day at home...

Hope to be make it in time for fiesta concert. If I cant play, I really hope I can watch and support them!

art, the arts

2011-12-12T01:51:00.003+08:00

I think human beings are born with the capacity to appreciate and create art.

Is it just me but I suddenly see lots of people with artistic inclinations, from sketches and shadings to paintings to photos to jewelry. It feels amazing to know that lots of people (or maybe the circle of friends and acquaintances that I have as well as the blogs I frequent to) have that artist in them. It's that feeling when you realise that you're just a microscopic creature called homo sapiens living on a tiny planet called earth, orbiting around the small sun, which is one of the infinite stars in the cosmos.

I feel incredibly great, incredibly small.

Every time I see a pretty picture, a pretty sketch, a pretty handicraft, pretty handwritten words, shops with pretty wallpapers and displays... man my heart always beat a little faster with joy and excitement (:

Art is alive! And so is music! But I would like to be able to say the same for classical music though...

Which reminds me that I can play the piano as another way to kill off the frustrations and whines, and read LKY's Hard Truths.

4th post in a day. I must be mad, except that it's perfectly normal when you consider the number of days I'm completely at home so far.

Ah, the art of living-despite-being-down-with-chicken-pox.

#beingawhinykid (so you can therefore ignore this post)

2011-12-12T00:18:00.003+08:00

My hypersensitivity is acting up again.
I dont know who to talk to on facebook without feeling like I'm disturbing them.
I need company but my sister has blisters all over so I can huddle up with her and watch shows tgt.
I've been pretty offensive for the past few days (sorry my friend about it too ): )
I dont want to sleep so early.

I dont want to have anyone telling me to sleep by this time. What for? Health? Yes I know it's for health but it's not like we've been strenuous for the past few days. Okay maybe fighting against instructions to sleep early and getting all mad. But really, I dont feel like doing it.

I'm being whiny and angsty, yes I know but pls understand that I'm staying at home so much that my calories are not burnt, my blood circulation is slower, my body movements much lesser, I speak much lesser too. How not to feel so frustrated?! You know how much of a hyper person I am.

I dont want to be told to sleep (whines like a kid). I will do it myself, as I like it.

Judging a book by its cover

2011-12-11T20:53:00.003+08:00

While watching interviews of super junior and ayumi hamasaki, my heart really ached for them. They are people so much older and more successful than me, and there they are crying so much when they were being asked questions that brought back painful memories.

So the old adage is true- that a book should not be judged by its cover. Because honestly, sometimes the beautiful book cover contains coarse language or bland story plot. Or the pretty book cover is assumed to be overhyped and bimbotic, when inside there exists exquisite vocabulary, elegant phrases and an impactful story line. Or the torn and tattered book on the shelf you almost wanted to throw away until you read its very first sentence.

Why do we judge others then, when we know this saying by heart that it's become blase, cliche? I really think it's because we're just too lazy. One of human beings' greatest weakness is laziness, and it is this that leads to things like complacency, sloth, greed, taking the easy way out, and other sins you can think of. We're too lazy to want to understand others, because we are aware that there are times where despite putting in effort, the results would be just like what we had predicted earlier (so we might as well not waste our time understanding them). But we are also aware that most of the time, our assumptions made at first glance and the first few days/events are not enough to gage the person as a whole; they can be wholly inaccurate at times.

Understanding another person is really not easy. And let's just face it- the older one gets, the harder it is for one to try to understand others, whether it's a new neighbour or one's aging parents. We also know another saying that life is unpredictable; that change is the only constant. As of that, there is really no way where we can truly understand a person completely, inside out, right down to the bone. Why? Because people change, sometimes a little due to age and phases, or alot due to certain traumatic experiences. So what's the point of making such efforts? It seems enough that we know something about the person, left guessing about everything else, and not bother making new friends.

I'm guilty of that too, because during jc, I've noticed that I've sort of given up trying to understanding some people at some point in time because I felt that having a small group of close friends would be more than adequate for me. And I don't think we can be that close and good friends with everybody either, but a part of me have always have that light for these people who I really want to give up on, because I believe that there's more to them than what I'm seeing now.

Sometimes, this is really all I get to see for now. But in years, I can sense that they will change for the better. It's called potential. We are all equipped with such abilities, and hence will always somehow see hope in ourselves and others. That has always been my way of making friends. There are people where I have complained about to others where I really dont like them and dont want to hang out with them, but deep inside... I still harbour this hope that one day I'll see that bright spot, their genuine strengths that I can admire, and appreciate them better.

It is always easy to focus on the negatives and harp on them, but it is truly hard to go beyond our human instincts and do our best to understand and see the good in others. I have trouble doing that sometimes even to my family members (sorry...), and I'm not trying to say that we should be saints and samaritans; monks and nuns who seem to be naturally blessed with the gifts of compassion and forgiveness.

When I think about these things sometimes, one of my small regrets is that during this short period of less than 2 years of jc, I chose to move away from the group and just hang out almost exclusively with either my section, the band people or with mostly the mep friends. I didnt try enough to go beyond myself and try to see beyond the idle talk of boys, eyecandies and pretty girls. I dont believe that they're people of little depth honestly, but for some reason I didnt want to try to hunt deeper for the genuine goodness and character that lie beneath.

I'm not bragging when I say that I usually have the knack of reaching that far and see people's goodness, but this time at 18... I decided to be a cold-hearted adult, turn my back on such stuffs and not do this anymore. It wears me out at times. But come to think of it, I really only stopped trying for a few people. Whenever I think of it, I really wish that I had the capacity to try for them, but knowing that jc is such a short period of time... I honestly only wanted to give the most of myself to people who love, want and need me the most. That's so true aint it?

I've asked a few of my closer friends if it's my fault that the divide has been wedged, that we're becoming more distant? One told me not to bother since school's out forever (for jc at least), another said that friendship is a two-way thing anyway so it means that they didnt try too. Family members told me that I just had that right to choose who I want to be with and not having to struggle so hard to understand people who are not in sync with my interests and values. I don't know. There are some days where when I think about it, I feel really guilty. That especially happened in the earlier days when the distance and divide became too obvious. I didnt try to go beyond the cover and read further.

But if the book's not of my interest, I don't continue reading, do I? Human selfishness reigns most of the time, mostly to make me feel less guilty about it.

Maybe I need greater wisdom to understand better, so that when I come back to such books I'll be able to understand tthem in greater detail. But maybe... it's just not my genre after all? I'm sorry to be so upfront about it but all these feelings just came to me after watching these celebrity interviews, and I had to write them down.

Having said all these, I still believe in the content of the books. I believe that somewhere among the pages, among the cramped words and occasional doodles, there are beautiful phrases, there are beautiful ideas and thoughts, and I really pray that someday the world will truly know about them, and I will know about them too.

Understanding- an important step to peace, harmony and lasting relationships. We should all continue to try.

So do I and so do the celebrities, the fans, the anti-fans, and the supposedly bloody cold-hearted companies.

HWAITING!

third day

2011-12-11T18:32:00.003+08:00

Staying at home for so long is just... weird. I'm not used to things like that.

Did a drawing yesterday, and when I showed my mum, all she said was: "why are the eyes not levelled?!" The rest of my family gave me the thumbs up. I think that's the Asian way of saying "Good job kiddo, but I'm not gonna tell you that cause you got to work harder to do better". And I will try harder for the fun of it. Time to brush up on my creativity and think out of the box, the line... out of the comfort zone.

Watched the rerun of MAMA, and I really marvel at how the production was done. Come to think of it, I really dont know when I've been observing things like that: the fonts, the layout, the colour scheme of the show, the concept, the lighting, the props... must be from the prop days when I did the props with zealyn for the prelude 30 skit. They're the backstage people and they are the ones who contribute so much to the success of such programmes...and they're the ones who are not recognized as much.

Really learnt to appreciate the huge amount of creativity and skill involved in dreaming up the concepts, the stages, the props. Really hope that I'll get to work along this line where creativity is the bulk of the job in the future (:

And now I shall find more shows for my sister and I to watch later!

There's a feeling in my heart

2011-12-10T22:23:00.003+08:00

Tonight, my heart just spoke to me.
It swelled with joy and almost burst into tears upon telling about its dreams and mission.
And I'm going to follow wherever it intends to lead me to.

To the path where my personal dreams and mission will be fulfilled as well.

I'm looking forward to it (:

(All these while watching Ratatouille with my sister to help her to forget the pain from the blisters of the chicken pox)

I don't know what to feel

2011-12-10T14:51:00.002+08:00

I seem to be getting this vibe from people that...they either think that my chicken pox is not serious, or that I'm lying.

I mean it really is not serious yet, but tbh, I have already gotten the infection because there are a few spots that have made their appearances on my legs and back.

I don't know what I can do to help the band because since I'm down with this, there's nothing more that I can do. My other friend is down with some blisters on her mouth and to my other friend who hasnt gotten back her sound and is really busy too... it's so sudden that everything's just become a pile of mess.

But this mess wasnt meant for us to clean up in the first place. I guess the heavens wanted us to know that.

I try not to feel awful about it because honestly when you think about it, it's predestined. This sudden bout of chicken pox is an act of nature, of the Mystic Law.

I'm sorry kiddos, but the rest of the road to the concert, you guys will have to deal with them yourselves.

In the meantime, I'll just keep surfing the net to 1. keep a distance from my sister, who has spots all over her body, 2. attempt to do constructive things, 3. to soothe this sense of awkwardness that I've been feeling ever since I knew that my sister contracted chicken pox and am now contracting it too, 4. to pretend that I have a social life when I'm gonna be all cooped up like the old HFMD quarantine period in sec 4 for the next week or so.

And I need to stop feeling bad about something that I didnt plan to have.

CHICKEN POX

2011-12-09T16:08:00.002+08:00

I'm actually very pissed that I'm going to get chicken pox... in fact I think I already got the virus but it's just that I'll have to see if I have the full blown symptoms. Yes I havent gotten it before.

To the irresponsible person who decided to roam outside and spread it to my sister... if I know who you are I would surely @#$%^$#@# you.

So my self-imposed quarantine shall begin today. I don't know how long I would have to wait before I can go out again. But on the brighter side, it means that I really get to rest at home and just do my own things in my own time.

Yup, I'll just have to make do with the brighter side. I mean, there are still alot of things that I can do at home regardless of whether I get the symptoms or not anyway. I'll try to make my stay-at-home period a meaningful one.

pictures :D

2011-12-09T01:56:00.010+08:00

***

My mood changes real quick. I guess it's a good thing though, because I cant be sad or angry for too long.

Anyway, I think it's time that I make a to-do list for the holidays before I start work next month. Things like buying clothes, shoes, painting nails, cleaning up room... shall do that and make my holidays as constructive as they can be apart from going out so much!

Love's Recovery-Indigo Girls

2011-12-08T23:18:00.003+08:00

During the time of which I speak it was hard to turn the other cheek
To the blows of insecurity
Feeding the cancer of my intellect the blood of love soon neglected
Lay dying in the strength of its impurity

Meanwhile our friends we thought were so together
They've all gone and left each other in search of fairer weather
And we sit here in our storm and drink a toast
To the slim chance of love's recovery.

There I am in younger days, star gazing,
Painting picture perfect maps of how my life and love would be
Not counting the unmarked paths of misdirection
My compass, faith in love's perfection
I missed ten million miles of road I should have seen

Meanwhile our friends we thought were so together
Left each other one by one in search of fairer weather
And we sit here in our storm and drink a toast
To the slim chance of love's recovery.

Rain soaked and voice choked like silent screaming in a dream
I search for our absolute distinction
Not content to bow and bent
To the whims of culture that swoop like vultures
Eating us away, eating us away
Eating us away to our extinction

Oh how I wish I were a trinity, so if I lost a part of me
I'd still have two of the same to live
But nobody gets a lifetime rehearsal, as specks of dust we're universal
To let this love survive would be the greatest gift we could give

Tell all the friends who think they're so together
That these are ghosts and mirages, these thoughts of fairer weather
Though it's storming out I feel safe within the arms of love's discovery

***

Another song by the Indigo Girls that I just youtubed. I think the lyrics are beautiful.

May we all have faith in love's recovery, discovery. May we have faith in the power of love to move us all, and that we were born to be meant for this.

(And forget all about the dream)

The bitter aftertaste of the dream still lingers...

2011-12-08T22:53:00.003+08:00

The shock of red on my hair.
Text messages.
Telling you to leave.
Making a decision.

Feeling left behind.
I know I made the right decision.
But still...

***

Honestly, the dream I had yesterday still remains etched in my mind. I don't even know how to begin telling someone about it. I try not to be reminded about it but still it hurts.

What would it take for you to stop invading my dreams, wrecking my self-esteem and leave me wondering if I'm worth it at all?

Am I even worth it?

Come to think of it...

2011-12-08T21:09:00.003+08:00

I really should decide what I want to do with my life, and not letting people and other factors sway my decision-making.

After all, although we're all human beings, we're not the exact same people and therefore have different characters, interests, schedules, lifestyles... yeap cannot be soft-hearted about it and just only do what I can do for the band. It's not my show but the juniors' show, they need to learn how to be responsible and committed to what they're doing. And umm plan the repertoire carefully.

I feel like I've been at the mercy of others, joining things because "I think it's quite bad if I don't join". I used to think that thinking only of yourself is pretty selfish, but really when you feel forced or wholly responsible for something instead of doing them with the utmost enthusiasm and passion, you feel tired and upset every single day. This is not the manner I wish to spend my holidays in.

"Follow your heart."
This phrase has never become so resounding, so certain in my life until now. I think it'll be one of the mantras I'll stick by with in years to come, for our hearts know what the souls truly desire, and assist us in achieving our dreams and living meaningful lives.

To do that, we need courage. There are days where I feel admittedly weak and just feel like joining the mainstream. But I end up feeling so upset and filled with tedium that I dont find the things I'm doing worthwhile any longer.

Having tasted total relaxation and freedom on monday on a full day out with stella (we walked barefooted for miles until we reached the busstop at east coast park and ate at four different eateries), it made me re-consider the things I'm putting myself through now. Are such challenges that I've chosen, worth the time and effort? What am I going to learn out of them?

Sometimes, we do things out of sympathy and compassion. I dont think that's wrong; in fact, it is really a noble thing to do. But, I've come to realise that if we do them at the expense of ourselves with little good that comes out of it for ourselves and others... then it becomes pretty pointless.

I need a stronger heart that is capable of saying "No" at times.

***

On a really much lighter note, I really love my hair colour! It's the colour I've always imagined myself to be in. I'm glad I fought for what I want, and somehow I feel more like myself after my hair has been streaked with red.

Sent stella off today with chengtat and dora at T3. Will miss her loads, but oh well I know I'll see again, and hopefully soon. I WANT KOREA TRIP!

***

I shall enjoy myself and surf the net :D

Home is where the heart is

2011-12-04T00:35:00.003+08:00

I was walking outside the band room from the toilet, and it was all dark and full of shadows.

I decided to take a stroll and fix my eyes on the outlines of the building that has been my second home for the past 2 years. I suddenly found myself thinking of this:

Sure, I'm back in tj going for band practices as if I were still a TJCian. But why do I get this feeling that I'm overstaying even though it's obvious that I'm already missing all the times here?

When I'm in the band room, I feel like I'm lost in time, I'm in a place where nothing changes- from the furniture to the carpet to the lighting to the instruments and to the music. Maybe it's because I was awkward with the really senior seniors in my section, but I feel like once I'm done with helping out for this concert I shouldnt be here anymore.

I really have this feeling that in order to move on, we have to let go of all of these things. I have to let go of the fact that while tjmep has been the most wonderful thing that has happened to me, it is not final destination and I should still keep going on in life.

I need to remember that there are about 6 billion more people that I dont even know, thousands of places that I have not even stepped on, and I should not let such a wonderful thing become static, a comfort zone that I refuse to get out from. Need to make new friends, need to go to new places, need to do new things. I really need to. We all need to.

But I know that my heart will always be in tj, where we've been through the roughest of times, the toughest of days and challenges a 17-18 year old can possibly manage.

At least I know that when I've walked the long road of life, sometimes with unexpected turns and dead ends, there is a place and the people where I can return to, rest awhile before I resume once more.

I havent been sleeping properly, sleeping late and waking up relatively early. But the wonder of the post A's is that I dont feel exhausted but exhilarated with every moment being given to me to soak up in the wonders of youth and life. That's what happened to me for the past few days, from playing the steinway at YST, sending the London people off (we finally had our class photo taken since last year), making the gift, having a lazy afternoon with uchan, main band prac, shopping and designing with chengtat, alumni band practice... Sounds crazily packed but I'm also crazily peaceful and enjoying them all:D

I'm gonna get my hair dyed tomorrow! I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS FOR LIKE 3 TO 4 YEARS! Cant wait!

Aigoooooo

2011-12-01T02:38:00.002+08:00

I've been watching sooo much WGM that sometimes when I close my eyes, I think of the yongseo couple or the dimples couple. Like, I'll close my eyes and see leethuk's cheeks "ascending to heaven", sora's very cute dimple, yonghwa's childish taunts at seohyun, and seohyun's innocent looks.

Gosh, see what the media does to you.

And all the love... it's so real and yet so out-of-reach sometimes.

I guess I have to keep having faith and wait for the love of my life to come along.

"Love comes when you least expect it."

I've got to start believing in this again.

Unexpected but yes...

2011-12-01T01:44:00.002+08:00

I've decided to withdraw from the competition.

It wasnt done on a whim, but after careful thought and making sure that I practiced the very best that I could, as well as talking things out with my piano teacher before we made this decision.

Although it sounds like a regret, deep inside...

I'm really very relieved.

I am not ready, that is for sure. I knew that it was such a huge risk, but I did the best that I could. You could say that I was almost there, but alas I really dont feel safe enough to go up on stage without the scores and remember 35 minutes worth of music. I was still memorising a few of them when I went for lesson yesterday.

Remember me talking about how I wanted to overcome myself? The thing is, I realised that what my teacher said was really true- that if a musician is not prepared, he/she will get damn nervous no matter how good one is. Yeah sure, maybe I sightread faster than other people, but I have a severe flaw of being very very careless, overlooking details and in the end practicing clumsily and unsteadily.

When I realised how to work every detail and begun on it, it was only about a month left...and I wasnt even done with the mozart sonata. Everything was a painful rush alongside the A levels, so I guess I'm not ready to go there.

Now I understand why bands and musicians can cancel concerts and debuts at the last minute, because they are simply not ready to rock the halls and entertain their people. It is really better to have a no show than a bad show.

I know... I feel kinda sad too that I cant carry on, but I've really hit the wall this time round. And I think the most important reason behind this decision is because I feel like the initial drive and purpose to go through this have dissipated.

I can go on and on about it, and it will sound like a big load of excuse to cover up for my umm, failure. In a way I failed, but in another way I didnt because I practiced the very best I could. There were many personal records for me, such as learning the shostakovich piano concerto no.2 (1st mvmt) in a week, and memorising more than half of it already. I also surprised myself by learning a complete mozart sonata, the complete danzas argentinas, and the entire Bach French Suite. I really learned alot, and I really wished with all my heart that by this time I was ready and confident to go up there and show what I have got.

But I guess I need more time to prepare, something which I cannot under-estimate in the future.

I dont think I'll ever participate in a competition though. It is unnecessary to pit myself against competitors when the actual competitor I'm truly interested in is myself.

So...I'll still make use of the YST recital hall for the rehearsal that I paid for tomorrow, and then I'll send the London people off.

I really really am grateful to the Gohonzon, for everything that I was suffering for turned out to be huge blessings in disguise (: I promise myself that when I go through human revolution, they must have great significance, and choose my challenges wisely. But oh well, it was a feat. And I believe I fought a good fight behind the screen, behind everyone else except for my family who kept asking me to stop practicing so hard -_-

Believe even when no one believes in you.

Aleph by Paulo Coelho was a good masterpiece btw, and it's the latest book by him. I devoured it in half a day mwahahaha.

Looking forward to all the days ahead of this new chapter of life after the A's :D

On a lighter note...

2011-11-25T14:57:00.003+08:00

I'm following a new couple on Korea's popular reality show, We Got Married (WGM)! It's Lee Teuk of Super Junior and the actress Kang So Ra.

Budding romances are always so unbashedly sweet, and I guess the real fun part is watching how the talkative, sociable Teukie is being reduced a shy boy meeting a pretty girl for the first time, smiling away goofily and not knowing what to say for a moment. And how Sora is so game for this show that she actually reciprocates his gestures as sweetly too! They're really the new couple on the block, having only debuted last month hohoho. For once I'm not too outdated hahaha!

I really like how the recent articles mentioned that he was smiling so much at his new "wife" that "his cheeks are ascending to heaven"!!! Because you know why, I felt like that too, smiling crazily while in front of the screen watching Teukie sometimes saying really embarrassing things to the girl that if I were her, I would really run away with face all flushed! And as a result from watching all the 6 episodes so far, my cheeks really hurted yesterday! Thank goodness it's much better now.

I think the nicest thing is that I'm able to bond with my sister, because both of us are fans of WGM, and we used to like SJ a lot. Watching Lee Teuk morphing into a nervous ball is really awkward, but it's also what makes the show so real and wonderful to watch. The commentators (who are our favourites of the show) are really the best, consisting of attached or married men and women, sitting at the studio, watching the clips and commenting on their romance. They get paid just to comment and laugh at them, wth! But sigh it's really so fun to watch :D

You have to google for them though, because youtube removed most of them zzz.

(I'm trying hard to diffuse the tension felt after writing the previous post on death, dont mind the stark contrast)

Thoughts

2011-11-25T14:24:00.003+08:00

Where there is life, there is death;
And where there is death, there is life.

I've always thought about the issue of death since I was like 7- things like why we are so fearful of it and it takes a leap of faith into religions in order to abate the fear.

As I grow older, I guess for the young, we don't like to think of death because it would mean not having achieved and done the things we want in life. For the old, it's because they can't bear to leave behind their loved ones. To put it simply, I guess we have too much of an attachment with life that we don't wanna die and leave things and people behind.

So when death decides to make his presence and starts to count down the number of days for you, what are the things that will run through your mind, and what are the things that you will do to salvage the remaining days, since it's unlikely that you can lengthen them much?

People fear dying full of regrets, full of unfinished business, unresolved relationships, not saying the things we meant to say to our loved ones. I guess when all these matters are more or less done, we will be more ready to face the ultimate unknown-death itself.

Death sounds like a bad word, and it is still very much of a taboo today. How much do we know about it? Almost nothing, because it is the truth that no one has ever came back and literally lived to tell the tale. And because we don't know much, we pretend that it doesn't exist at all. It takes a close relative, friend or loved one to have to face it that all the fundamental fears start to come back.

I was staring at the scene outside the window, and I notice a dead insect lying helplessly on its back by the window edge. The fallen leaves, the stains of squashed insects- we see death everyday and yet we don't think much about it.

The truth, there are a lot of things that don't matter that much in life. Yet there are that very few things and people that matter so much that it makes life worth living.

It sounds very cliched to say the same things as people have said about how when such a thing happens, you must learn to treasure and love only the important things and people in your life, and live to the fullest everyday. I dont feel that much about death sometimes because let's just put it bluntly, we just think that it wont happen to us. At least not anytime soon (unless 2012 really comes)

But the thing is, when you know that someone is dying, it makes you stop in your tracks, and you cant help but ponder where you are right now. Are you going in the right direction? Are you happy? Have you always wished you could try this, do that- and did them all? If you were to die right now at this instant, would you have more or less have been satisfied with your life? Have you loved those you should love with all your heart? Have you tried your best in everything that you do?

Dying reminds us about living. Living reminds us that we will die someday. Whether or not one believes that there is an afterlife, it is really making this life counts that truly matters.

I remember reading Ikeda sensei's guidance and lecture on life and death in an older issue of the Creative Life magazine, and he did mention that the worst scenario possible is that we are alive, yet we behave as if we have already died.

Sometimes, we're filled with so much emotional pain and duress that we just want to end it all. But what about those who are fighting so hard to see the sun rise another day, to see their loved ones one more time? I don't know about you but at least for me, it makes me feel all the pain I felt from heartbreaks, insecurities and stress pretty (or actually, very very) stupid and I just stop being sad and carry on with the things I have to do.

Sometimes, it is really easy to get stuck in the past and that world full of memories- bitter ones, sweet ones, bittersweet ones. It is like a self-indulgent kind of orgy actually to just indulge in them, relive them one more time and subject the entire being to pain again.

But it is never good to live with the ghosts of the past- it is not a realm for the living. Just like how people dont make cemetries their homes, we should not make that realm of memories a comfortable zone for us to hang out and be taunted by all these ghosts. Stay there just long enough to reflect, to contemplate, and move on. Don't stay there and get too caught up in whatever that has been haunting you, because these ghosts, they suck the life out of you. And when you're alive but feel that you have died, there is no greater purgatory than this.

I wish I was exaggerating, but I have experienced such feelings before too. And at our age, most of the time heartbreaks and family discord are the things that bring us so much pain. We feel sorry for ourselves that we have to go through this, and we either want to end it all or just get lost in things, like those beautiful old times.

Sometimes when we are lost, we need to search for the past to understand where we want to go in the future. But stay too long and by the time you wish to have a life, it may all be too late.

The point is, do your best, live to the fullest, love hard and strong.

When death decides to take us then, we are able to face it and smile triumphantly because we had real good lives.

You know who you are~

2011-11-21T22:17:00.003+08:00

Haha hey, I'm totally fine if you decide to keep stuffs to yourself and only tell me things you really want to. And I want to say that the problems you're facing, you're not alone in them, family problems and all. Actually I would really love it that we talk about the issues face-to-face. It takes away that feeling when you get to read everything online instead of talking things out together in person. I always prefer the personal touch of our friendship (:

(personal touch sounds wrong for the slightest moment but okay maybe I've been mugging too much till the point where I'm abit woozy now)

But whatever it is, online or in person, you'll always have me now and always ♥

And I'm not lying when I say that I quite like reading them ya know!:D Keep up with the good writing!

(to all those who cant really tell who this person is, all I can say is... DONT XIANG WAI/THINK SLANT SLANT!)

Wicked

2011-11-21T21:40:00.003+08:00

"I would love to have a wicked good time with my wickedly awesome music friends watching the wicked musical. Oh, and I would also love to have really wicked fun after toiling for the wicked A levels!"

LOL THIS IS WHAT I SUBMITTED FOR THE WICKED 50-WORD CONTEST. The deadline's later at 1159h. Just chanced upon it while checking out the ticket prices for the musical. I guess I was probably in a good mood and trying to be (wickedly) funny.

But oh gosh, post A level plans are gonna be good! And it will be time to catch up with my old zhonghua pals, bosom buddies and all hehhehheh!

One more paper left!
Intensifying practices for the upcoming competition and then it's... THE HOLIDAYS!

Woohoo, wickeddddd!

sigh/back to reality

2011-11-18T00:00:00.002+08:00

You have no idea how much I miss having a brain full of creative juices.

I miss those days where my journals were all so colourful, so pretty, full of cuttings, quotes and scribbles.
I miss those days where words came naturally to me, as if the ink was the blood coursing through my veins.
And oh gosh, the random drawings, which were sometimes really horrible that I had to cross them out, and the surprisingly good doodles.
Not to mention having a small and intimate audience to read those entries, comment on them and get to know one another's hearts better.

I really miss all that stuff. I have been scribbling angsty stuff in ugly scrawls in this red book I've been using occasionally at home since JC began, and it looked so mightily plain and unpoetic that...sigh! But yeah, I will cut those self-pity and misery crap, because I'm so gonna catch up on literature and read lots of books and poems again after all the exams! Novel after novel after novel. Get my brain going. Get my heart pumping, aching, swelling.

I cant wait (:

and now...It's back to cramming all the music stuff in in in! Last music paper tomorrow! GAMBATTE MEP PEEPS!:D

2011-11-13T12:30:00.003+08:00

My heart's been palpitating hard and fast since I woke up this morning.

I would like to now think of it as my heart relishing at the challenges ahead of me, instead of the fear within that is ready to consume my entire being.

I guess we all want to do better. We know how much we're capable of; there are times where we've even done this/achieved this before! But now as I'm venturing into something really unknown to me, I am naturally very fearful about my so-called debut on stage.

So much so that my playing comes off as a whimper, and I dont feel satisfied with my own performances at all so far.

As I reflected deeper, I realised that it's really because this is my first time(and probably the very last) participating in such a competition. Vulnerable, and I would only have myself to hold on and keep going. No one would be there on the stage with me. Not that I've not performed like that in my life but just the thought of how they're gonna to call up some piece from my repertoire and I would just have to play it like that, from memory.

The thought of it, to be honest, makes me want to shit in my pants. I really do. I will have to stare at my own reflection on the piano for the whole ten minutes up there and move my fingers, until the judges would tell me that they've heard enough, time for the next participant.

I must say that the past two piano lessons have really reflected this deep fear that is sitting inside me. The thought of it really terrifies me, because this is really pushing myself out of my comfort zone. This is really the first time I have to play like that.

And the thing is, I'm not fully ready yet. I think that's why I'm so afraid. I still lapse into alot of mistakes now, and then I have to memorise them all and play like a pro? Wow this is getting real and so freaky.

But the thing is, as the previous post mentioned, "confidence, ability, strength and success are not built by seeking refuge in what is already comfortable and familiar (but are) built by venturing out into unknown territory, prepared for the challenges and determined to do whatever is necessary."

About two weeks ago, my heart was palpitating in fear and worry for my A levels. It's still ongoing, with two subjects already down. Now it's beating so hurriedly for the upcoming competition.

"It'll all pass", as my dad said.

And the thing is, the past few days have made me realise that my decision to go through this is going to be so right, I wouldnt regret a single bit even if I'm eliminated in the first round.

I'm going beyond my boundaries, I'm learning to trust myself, learning more about who I am and who I am not, to break through all these self-imposed limitations.

Of course I can choose not to go through it now, but I know that because it is a problematic spot in my life, I will have to go through it somehow. And why not now?

This is really something new for me and so much as I feel very fearful, believe me when I say that I'll go on. And that you guys out there have to go on too no matter how afraid we are.

Have a great day!

2011-11-13T12:23:00.002+08:00

On the other side of fear

The way to get beyond your fear is to go through it. Do the thing you fear and the fear loses its control over you.

Fear can help you to assess the risk and prepare for all kinds of challenging situations. But the purpose of fear is not to stop you.
Some fears are entirely justified while others are just plain silly. Yet no matter how valid the fear may be, there is never any reason for it to control you.
Certainly it is important to look carefully before you move forward. And it is just as important that, after sufficient due diligence and preparation, you do indeed move forward.

Confidence, ability, strength and success are not built by seeking refuge in what is already comfortable and familiar. They are built by venturing out into unknown territory, prepared for the challenges and determined to do whatever is necessary.
First let the fear sharpen your awareness, and then let it inspire you to act. On the other side of fear is the achievement you seek.

— Ralph Marston

(taken from http://greatday.com)

Will not be crippled by fear. Keep going everybody, we're halfway through this!

Be Strong, Finish Strong

2011-11-08T22:47:00.002+08:00

Difficult work and late-night studying
These also constitute Buddhist practice,
turning suffering into joy.
The Buddha watches closely
your commitment and passion.

-"My Friends, Be Strong!", Daisaku Ikeda

This is one of my favourite poems. It is short and very direct, but yet it's so comforting and assuring, as if Ikeda sensei is just beside us all, rooting for us.

We will get through this together, and we will FINISH STRONG. (yeah, nick vudjijic!)

Heatiness, be gone!

thoughts

2011-11-07T18:05:00.002+08:00

Is it better to keep the truth from the patient, so as the patient may feel more hopeful?
Or should the truth be told?

It's one of those things that have happened, and although I wouldnt say I'm the most directly involved, it bugs me a little.

Is it better to know one's predicament, and then fight? Or to fight without knowing what's going on?

***

To all those who begin their papers tomorrow, ALL THE BEST!:D We've all worked so hard for this, so let's just do our very best and win this long string of battles!It'll be over before we know it!

(I'm taking H1 Chem, so my paper starts on wed instead)

***

Gosh, jayesslee's cover of Coming Home is stuck in my head. And their pretty faces omg! They're really good I must say, as good as sam tsui's covers. It would be really nice to see them mature and eventually write their own songs, that would be so much cooler!

I'm coming home, I'm coming home
Tell the world I'm coming home
Let the rain wash away the pain of yesterday

***
I remember this post from fayllen.bs :

"As much as i love catching up with friends and laughing till i clutch the sides of my tummy, it does get a little wistful when the conversation swerves towards the serious. Thinking about how we, as individuals, are faring on our own paths, so diverged now. Pausing for a moment or two to think about the people we miss. Thinking about how they've changed - for better or worse. One of the things i have come to realize is that we really cannot be there all the time for the people we care about. At least, not in the ways we'd like to. As much as we want to cut in between and drag them out of the fray.

Sometimes the best thing to do is to leave them to fight their own war. To stand at a distance, always ready to run to them should they fall in battle. No matter how badly things seem, never should we judge them. Most importantly, we must always believe them to still be good, even if at the moment everything in you is screaming to walk away, saying that that person is no longer your friend. Believe that they are. Believe in the good in them. Sometimes they can't see it in themselves, and if we believe so fiercely that they are still good, then they might see it themselves."

Ain't it so true?

Helpless we may be, and when we can do nothing much, all we can do is to believe wholeheartedly that they'll fight and they'll win over their personal struggles and battles.

That's all for my patchy post. And now...

BATHE!

2011-11-05T18:16:00.002+08:00

There are times where I wish that there are more of me around, so that I dont have to be stuck in school or home or the time and be really there for my friends.

And yet, I also understand that there are struggles that are meant to be fought alone. Our loved ones can only offer moral support and all, but eventually it is up to us to decide if we want to overcome them or not.

But whatever it is, to all my dear friends, know that at some point of time in a day alone, I do think of you all, and yes although some of us may have different faiths, I've been praying for all of you- happiness, good health and all. I've not forgotten any of you.

We're all fighting our own battles now, but I believe we'll win them all. So until then, please stay strong everybody!

What do you do when feelings fade?

2011-11-05T17:33:00.004+08:00

What if I chose to let them die away
even before I've come to understand
the full extent of your character?

What if it's because that honestly-
that's all that you can ever be?
(until at least another growth spurt comes and
you grow into someone even better?)

I try not to feel guilty about letting these feelings fade,

and go.

(p.s: it's not very poetic, but I just wanted to write them in a form of a poem. Dont mind me.)

Life

2011-11-01T22:30:00.002+08:00

All the studying has made me alil more...introspective?

Yesterday, I was reminded of my gifts, my abilities in being able to bring light and joy to others. I remembered my good old friend of 6 years, I remembered all the phone calls and smses we had and how we held one another through the dark and turbulent torrents of teenagehood. And if you still read my blog (I dont think so but hey whatever), just know that I love you very much for who you are, and that I'm really proud of you to have overcome so much things life has thrown as you, being able to move on and being very determined to carve out a better life for yourself (:

The very long conversation with stella inside the TJ bus yesterday as well, with the aircons humming away and the rain splashing on the windows and the ouside of the bus. Once again, I think of all the times we've been through since knowing each other, and while I'm so thankful to have found such a wonderful friend in TJ, it pains my heart to know that she's going to leave singapore soon. But friendships, like love, never get affected by distance too much. I know that we'll be heading for better lives, a better future, and that in our hearts, this bond will stay for life (:

Today, I was hit by news. News that were not really harsh on me, but made my stomach flip and feel slightly queasy: the fragility of life. I thought of the Khmer Rouge documentary they showed on sunday night on CNA. I thought of...many dark thoughts while they were discussing about the matter. However, from a Buddhist perspective, it is not something to be feared because it is just the manifestation of negative karma, and it can be eradicated well if we chant hard and make concrete plans. As if to make me think further about life itself, I came across the news of Peipei's passing.

I think it's time that we face what the reality of life is all about. It is not pretty, but then as a dear friend shared on her tumblr, life doesnt make you happy, but it is our responsibility to find things to be happy about and be just happy. And I think when we learn to face these truths of life, accept them, we can learn to be really happy. No one tells us what life really means for us, no one can really tell us how long we will live too. It is our onus to make the best of life, to make the best of ourselves, create meaning and make positive history in years to come.

In contrast, while studying with stella and mingxuan in our new favourite hideout, the TJ bus, I am also reminded of how safe and sound most of us are, having our own space, the luxury to study, the luxury to converse well with one another, being able to laugh and smile about the things in life. All of these despite the pouring rain outside. I felt so safe and warm in there.

And when stella and I spoke about many things in our hours of conversation yesterday, we came to the conclusion that really, we couldnt be more lucky, and therefore we should have that courage and confidence to know that while sometimes things are not within our control, we have a hold over our lives, our destinies, our dreams. The main thing is attitude, the determination to want to win over all circumstances in life.

Thankful for my family, thankful for all the friends, thankful for all the support (: I hope you guys will continue to fight on because really, we couldnt be luckier.

And I know...

2011-11-01T22:19:00.001+08:00

We'll be okay in the end.

Have faith everyone (:

A rhetoric, debate between my selves

2011-10-29T09:35:00.004+08:00

I'm still riding on the unpredictable waves of life, particularly teenagehood.

It feels like this entire period is one big test for me- a test of my faith, my courage, my strength, my determination, the strength of my entire being.

When I'm done worrying about my studies and just working on them now, thoughts of the upcoming competition is giving me the jitters. HUGE jitters. There are times where I feel so afraid I ask myself why am I even trying to overcome this aspect of myself? It's not as if I'm aspiring to be a classical pianist anyway.

Among every other reason to pull me away from the competition, one thing that stays resolutely in my heart is that desire to overcome myself, go out there and perform like nothing matters except for the music. It is a personal challenge I wish to undertake, because I want to break through the walls of my limitations and fears, I wish to play music confidently and sincerely. I wish to be able to remove these barriers and let my entire spirit soar when music is played. I wish to move others with music, and know that classical music should be no barrier to the rest of the people who dont learn music.

But the mainstream opinion is that if you're not so strong technically...um why are you wasting your time there?

I dont know how exactly proficient the competitors are, but I know at least one of them who is technically proficient. I dont know how technically handicapped I am as well, but maybe it's not that bad? But yeah, competition is about winning? But what if I dont really think so? Seeing the contrast in my views abt the competition with the others during the meet-the-composer session, I just... I dont know. Sometimes I wonder if I should even make my appearance there, since our aims are all different.

The platform itself is neutral, and a great way for me to undertake my personal challenge. It is other's views, and my own occasional bouts of cynicism that are weakening my self-esteem. And I don't want to care, I really don't want. (But of course I know that until someone is able to talk me out of my self-created mess, I will be lapsing into such ugly thoughts)

I am not a quitter. That I know about myself. But what's the point of head-banging till the day itself in fear, in almost resignation? Then I would have failed my challenge, ain't it?

I was so apprehensive when I told my leader that I may have to forgo Chingay so as to settle my packed schedule in dec, one of them being the competition itself. Although things have been settled, theres this stray, ugly thought that resides: what will people think of me if I dont win in the end? Will my sacrifice be worth it?

I dont think I am wrong in making this decision to go ahead, but in attempting to undergo my own "human revolution", it has resulted in a great inner turmoil, which is complicated by occasional doubts about my own studies, my own worth. But then again, as the Buddhist term "human revolution" suggests, it is not going to be easy to transform my inner self. It is a revolution after all, albeit a personal one. It is not easy to go against the standard view of music being actually a platform to continuously impress people. It is not easy having to squeeze in only an hour a day to practice pieces. It makes you feel horrible and bad for not being able to have all the time in the world to practice, while other contestants are probably freeing up alot of their time to practice their asses off.

But as I type these words, I remember realising last year that we will never have all the time in the world to be prepared. While the physical act of practicing is important to refine one's skills, it is the quality and the mental attitude towards the subject matter that count and matter more.

I know I am creating more chaos in my brain than I should have in the first place, since I need a clear and focused mind to study for the A's. But I know that I'm still growing, hence these ongoing struggles.

We're not alone in our struggles, and I know that someday somehow, before the competition, I'll be able to chase my insecurities away and leave behind a great memory in the book of my life.

I urge everyone to press on ahead, dont be afraid of facing the things you fear, talk it out with yourself, with God, with family, with friends, with your stuff toys...whatever. We're afraid, but we know that we'll eventually overcome them all, and that is true success.

Till then.

.

2011-10-26T13:04:00.004+08:00

I really dont like to be blamed sacarstically for her academic plight.

I really don't like it.

I'm not a teacher. I'm 18, sitting for my A levels in two weeks' time. I'm doing what I know is good for me. It may not work for her, fine. But don't blame me. Have all of you forgotten how I tried to help?

And am I supposed to be the entire brunt of the blame if the results come out less than satisfactory? No one is more responsible for one's results than their own. Not even sisters. Not even parents.

I wonder why I'm the eldest in the family, if I'm just useless and more of a hindrance than anything else here.

Growing pains

2011-10-24T21:30:00.002+08:00

Am I supposed to say that I'm suffering now?

Because the situation is not dire, it's just that for some reason all these things are hurting me every single day.

Maybe I'm still growing up, and that I'm more sensitive to things around me than I think. Maybe I'm still not used to having other people around the world attempting to smear the world with ugliness and all.

I'm not used to feeling especially helpless, realising that actually, we only have the power to change ourselves and in changing ourselves, we hope that others will be influenced by our better selves.

And every single day, I find another way to smile and beat those dark clouds in my heart away. I wonder if my life condition is low, but the dark clouds seem to come back, even though they're different ones sometimes.

But ah it's okay, if there are a thousand dark clouds, I'll have enough smiles to chase a thousand and one of them all away! It's tough, but I'll still go on. I just need support once in awhile, so that I have enough strength to support those around me: my family and friends.

I'm glad to know that I'm needed and all, but yet at the same time I feel so mortal, so human, with all my limitations and flaws. I want so much to help all the way but theres always a threshold that we'll all reach, and to go beyond that it requires alot of will, determination and some pain.

Yeah it's kinda like stretching the rubber bands of our hearts and souls, where force is required to keep them all open and flowing. There are days where I feel the stinging snap inside, where I just want to cower in my room and stop helping or trying. What's the point?

Yet despite them all, I'll carry on. Because it is only in giving where true happiness resides. It is only in giving that you will somehow receive, albeit unexpectedly.

Maybe I'm not used to responsibility of sorts.

Maybe... it's just growing pains. Emotional, internal, spiritual kinda growing pains. Where lots of moral dilemmas come into place, lots of decisions have to be made, lots of thinking to do to build up your own principles.

(It doesnt help that I think I grew taller. AGAIN.)

Yes I'll fight all of such darkness, such grey areas. I have the Gohonzon, I have my ASD comrades, I have my family, I have my friends.

I CAN DO THIS!

(:

2011-10-21T00:53:00.002+08:00

There have been a lot of things recently that have made my cheeks flush with joy, redden with anger; my stomach churning in disgust, in joy, in fear.

I don't want to think of all the things that frighten me or launch me into a tirade of thoughts with no answers in clear sight. I shall just focus on the positive, the real good, the happy.

Gave out the letters I've written for selected peeps in 28/10 as well as the entire MEP class, and I really enjoyed the act of giving immensely! It made me feel like I was blooming, there were petals and confetti thrown all over me when I gave them out. Although it was a postcard and a picture, it was crammed with words, in my smallest but most discernable handwriting possible. I wanted to be succint in my thoughts, yet penning my most sincere and heartfelt thoughts about the person. But again yeah, only the emphasis on the person's goodness.

Searching, remembering the person's goodness as I penned them all down felt really amazing, because by trying to put aside all my negative feelings and focusing on the positive, I guess I was also learning to see the good in myself, and that despite my flaws and all, I've been one real lucky girl and I'm thankful for everything that has come into my life (and gone as well).

I think for some odd reason, people are already remembering me for being "blur" (ahhhhh) and umm... funny? It's quite funny that people have the impression that I'm really funny because hmm... I've always considered myself as a thinker, the kind of person who will brood over the weirdest and deepest questions about life and love-and never get tired of it even though it makes me damn hungry every time I get too engrossed in my thoughts. (thinkthinkthink... OOPS I'M HUNGRY!)

I really didnt like being labelled as someone "blur"- I kinda found it insulting. But maybe it's the things that I've done (I'm not sure exactly what), that has made them all realise that my blurness is not severe, and it's not indicative of my entire character (that remains true until well, I have less than 5h of sleep. then you'll see this side of me emerge confidently HAH). and I'm also really thankful to know that I am able, in the oddest way that I dont know how, manage to make others smile and cheer them all up, sometimes bringing people together. (Maybe I was Cupid in the past or some matchmaker)

I'm just thankful that I pressed on in being sincere and it has all paid off in the end (: now it's just my studies and the NPVC that I'll have to overcome, and I'll finish off strong I promise!

***

Studied with the MEP peeps after music mock paper, and when I left and saw the rest of their heads almost resting onto the practice papers, I felt this sense of...warmth. A family kind of warmth. From being strangers to being cordial to being totally crazy with one another. And now, working hard together beyond just music to do well together as a class. It's just crazily sweet to me I think!

And to the really sweet 28/10... man for the slightest moment I wish I could take geog so that I could spend more time with the class but ah well even without geog I still enjoyed my time with the class (: Taking bus home with irene after class lunch on mon, I just realised how much we've all grown, how much we've grown to accept (or not accept) one another, and in the end we're still very much a class; the winner wong class! AND WE'RE GONNA WIN THEM ALL DAMMIT!WE CAN DO IT 28/10!:D

Love all the people man. I know I can be very repetitive but whatever, I really love TJ and the friends here, and I have never regretted my decision. And I will never regret it (:

The perks of making your own best decision, following your heart and gut feelings :D

***

and now, the looming A's. It's still difficult to get myself to sit down and do papers, but I can feel the O level, 2-3 full papers a day mugging mode is returning. I need it sia!Best to have the A level mugging mode!

We need to let go

2011-10-17T23:55:00.003+08:00

I know it's hard being a parent but... I don't think that by scolding her like that, it has improved the situation in any way. You've tried this too many times, and unfortunately it doesn't work.

She has got to figure it out on her own. We've got to let her go. We've got to let her navigate her way through this thick molasses, the thick fog of uncertainty, temptations and dilemmas. How frightened we are for her, we can only do so much. Even as a sister, as a parent, we can only do so much.

We've got to let her go and let intuition, guts and wisdom take over, leading her to the light. This is the very best that we can do for her.

yayee!

2011-10-10T21:40:00.003+08:00

It certainly feels so much better after the A level practical and compo portfolio completion :D
I'm so glad that I've survived and triumphed them all! Now it's just staying back with the rest of the MEP peeps to bond further, get work done, and to cheer on the friends who are still doing their portfolios (as it turns out, A level compo portfolio submission is on thurs lol).

The school is spamming mock papers this week, but yeah I've got to do them (yeah right I just skipped one mock paper because I found out that they werent marking the paper) because...if not now then when?

But ah well shall get back to my work, ala real mugging style.

Just really love the MEP peeps, like more than ever haha♥
Cant believe that we went through so much together, still going through stuffs together (: Hopefully we can have our pseudo camp dinner on fri!

Hohum, I'm a happy girl (who really needs to get on with her work!) :D

shiok ttm

2011-10-02T00:14:00.002+08:00

OMG I'M DONE WITH H3 AND FREE COMPO RECORDING!!!♥ ♥ ♥

I'M GRATEFUL AND JUST FEEL SO DAMNNNNNNNNNNN SHIOKKKKKKKKKKKKKK NOW!!! I'M GONNA HAVE AN EARLIER REST TONIGHT AND PRACTICE MY PIANO TOMORROW.C'MON GIRL WOOHOO~

sorry can't help the outburst, I'm just too happy I kept jumping around in glee when I saw stella after recording was done. Boy, that was a tough but very interesting 4h plus with bertram today! I couldnt have done it without him man (: It feels really good to hear the final work, hear someone pro playing and interpreting and hearing the sounds in your head coming to life, right before your ears and eyes. To think I struggled so much with compo for months, finally I see the light, and I hear rather interesting sounds in my head this time round gosh I'M JUST FEELING SO GOOD!

All the tears, frustration and lack of sleep are really paying off, and therefore people we have to persevere on and fight for what we really want!

and H3 too! When I looked at the binded booklet (yes it's like a WR, but solo not group project) with all my analysis inside...I can't describe that feeling. This booklet again contains all the energy, time, frustrations and hair-pulling; the months of research and delving into the world of myths and harrison birtwistle's compositional style. And now this is done, after a major overhaul of the entire research paper one week before submission.

Thankful for all the guidance, help, care, concern and love that I've received all this time while I'm going through this arduous journery. And gosh, I really learnt so much. Now I'm left with my compo write-up, printing the necessary stuff for the composition portfolio and I'll be ready to submit that too.

And then practical on wednesday. Everything is flying past before me, and I just know that when I graduate from TJ, I'll miss TJ MEP dearly. The teachers, the friends, the passion for music, the crazy jokes and antics, the support and encouragement, the love, feeling like it's home... Oh man.

It's one of the best decision I've ever made in my life so far (:

TRALALALA off to sleep now!

Gimme a name

2011-09-26T22:38:00.004+08:00

Okay, okay I'm getting back to work soon but before I do... I wanna do some brainstorming for my composition! Shall list down all the weird (and abit too grandiose) titles that I've conjured, and some contributions from da mep peeps!

An ode to the stars: Three bitonal sketches for piano
Supernova 365
Starfields: Three bitonal sketches for piano
Cosmic Latte: Three sketches of the Universe for piano (thinking of using this one!)
Cosmic Teh
Cosmic Rojak
Oranges
Requiem for a star
Chinese garden
Star Wars
Shannen in the Underworld (-_____________-)

They always say that naming the piece is the hardest. NOW I KNOW WHY.

Any cool names relating to stars/universe that you may have, just tell me alright!

now back to work shannen! No more light-headedness!

2011-09-26T22:31:00.002+08:00

My sleeping pattern is getting atrocious, it left me with only 2h plus of sleep this morning.
and so I abolished my plans to finish up h3 in school and just conked out for 4h at home.

Now, as I try to do h3 I can feel my head floating around again. I dont know if I should go and sleep or if this is like psychological?

Sigh I dreamt that I entered a boxing competition just now, and LOL I lost because I DIDNT KNOW HOW TO BOX PROFESSIONALLY! (and I still dont. I make peace, not war (Y) )

and this man who was all out to attack me, chasing from supermarkets to some school hall and idk where else.

Can I have a better dream tonight? Boxing tires me out =/

Last lap(s)

2011-09-25T12:57:00.003+08:00

The last lap has only begun.

h3 A level submission- 30/9
A level music practical-5/10
compo portfolio A level submission-6/10

Yes, you cannot rest on your laurels yet. It's time to shake your butt, bring the circulation back in, and GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

gonna edit my h3 now. Yes I received it recently and now I've got some refining to do.

The last lap is going to be the longest lap, lasting till 29 november. Then there's a mini lap for me to go, the NPVC'11.

I know I will have the strength to go on. Must steady myself, dont chiong too much. Conserve the energy for that last sprint at the last few hundred metres. Yeah. All the pe workouts, cross-country training will come in handy in steadying me for this.

YES I CAN DO THIS!HUAT AH!

Extinguishing the worrywart in me

2011-09-20T22:38:00.004+08:00

Currently reading Dale Carnegie's "How to Stop Worrying and Start Living".

Still trying to absorb the facts and techniques used to free myself from the trappings of self-induced worries, but it's proving to be real useful.

Heck, just take one thing at a time. Life can throw a million problems at me, but I'm sorry, I can only do one thing at a time.

And it is with one thing at a time that I will eventually overcome them all.

The book had this mini chapter, telling us how we can benefit greatly from the book. The important thing, he said, was to have "a deep, driving desire to learn, a vigorous determination to stop worrying and start living".

Well, I've been reflecting on my JC life quite often, and I find that I've been worrying about too many things, especially gawking and often falling ill upon realising the mountain of work lying before me. But I've managed to clear so many along the way (but wrecking my health once in a while too), through trial and error and just "hanging on".

I mean yeah I managed to overcome so much, but it has...costed me quite a bit. I mean, yeah it's cool that I've taken part in so many things, experienced so much stuffs, but I'm always left drained and my body would crumble a lil so that I would have a legitimate excuse to rest and stop work from coming.

I need a proper way of dealing with such unnecessary worries, unnecessary stress.

This could be a practical answer to my issues.

Need to extinguish the worrywart in me as much as I can!

thoughts

2011-09-19T22:35:00.002+08:00

Sometimes I wonder...

all those beautiful yet restrained feelings I have for you, are they indicative of something deeper and more personal? Maybe it's really because you have qualities and things that I really want to have to. Maybe... I don't know. Could there be any reason to explain my feelings?

When the day is filled with activities, plans, friends, family and things to do, I thought that thoughts of you would recede and fade into oblivion. But you have found another way to reach me- the realm of dreams.

I know I can't do anything right now. All I can do is to let thoughts of you flow in and out of my consciousness, and if it's possible... I hope that every entry and exit would diminish the extent of your effect on me until one day I'll stop feeling this way. Or it can grow stronger, and thoughts of me can do the same to you as well. It can go either way. I wouldnt know for sure, at least for now.

No point worrying about the future. Just live in the present, live for the moment.

***

A shoutout to all the JC peeps in the midst of prelims/over prelims/havent had prelims (wait I think this is impossible) to just HANG IN THERE, KEEP GOING, STAY STRONG, DON'T WORRY, BE HAPPY!:D

"As long as a man stands in his way, everything is in his way".

Go

2011-09-18T17:55:00.003+08:00

Keep calm and steady. Feel at peace. Feel love. Love. Love a lot. Laugh. Laugh a lot. Get on with your things. Cross your fingers. Aim to do your best. Hope for the best.

When time is running out, maintaining such a strong lifeforce becomes crucial in overcoming one obstacle after another.

2011-09-18T13:34:00.002+08:00

There's maths paper 2 on monday, econs paper 2 on tues, piano on thurs, chem MCQ and music paper on fri.

I spent my fri, the only day where I didnt have a paper, doing my composition, basically telling my sister off and got myself into a real bad mood. After consultation and dinner and watching my sister still fiddling with her phone like some unrepentant brat, I just thought of all the things I couldnt do and help, and I just broke down.

and I just spent my entire sat on basically my composition, dressing up for my cousin's wedding, improvising a bunch of songs on the steinway upright grand for the solemnization ceremony, witnessing a lovely solmenization and a wonderful wedding dinner.

A very spent weekend so far, of which very little time was given to studies. And all of these stuffs just remind me of how when I venture into the working world in the future, I wont have the luxury of time to clear out a few days or a week just to focus on ONE thing, like studying for us students for example. As we get older, juggling is of increasing importance. We can't tell the world "STOP!PLEASE DONT FLOOD ME WITH MORE PROBLEMS AND TASKS!LET ME CLEAR OUT THIS ONE FIRST!"

There is no such thing.

Maybe our world is spinning faster and more cluttered in this modern era, and I think the only way to pull through everything is through optimism, love, the wisdom to plan time well, as well as learning to multi-task. We really need to. That would mean that every moment spent on doing a task must be treasured and relished and committed to memory. And I think really good support from family and friends helps a great deal.

Having said that, I'm very honoured to have participated in my cousin's wedding, the first for the maternal side(: She looked so lovely, along with the bridegroom (though he was obviously tired because he was telling me that he was in a "state of near-panic" because it was his "first wedding" before realising his error and added "and my last wedding too lol). My cousin, i.e the bride's brother, sang with the live band for her wedding and his voice was really so good! My task wasnt that great, but I feel so thankful that at least my music has entertained the audience there, and that most of them really enjoyed it. I felt really happy to just perform and improvise stuffs there, thinking of songs to play on the spot that the audience would know and enjoy to while waiting for the bride and bridegroom to arrive before I played the mandatory "forever love" by kenny G for their march-in.

I really didnt want to play more than was requested, but I also had this sense of foreboding that I would probably have to go that extra mile because of the uncertainty of the planning involved. and hey when I am sitting by the piano, I'm already considered a pianist and as a cousin, I have a duty to serve the audience until the ceremony is over. Glad that I plucked the courage to play more than that one song, and am very glad to have had the opportunity to try such a gig out. Always wanted to perform like that :D

I really pray that they'll have a blissful marriage. Everybody worked hard hehe!

And now, I'm still trying to think of a good name for my composition, and hopefully get to do a couple of stats questions. The harder the better so that I can learn and wont be so stumped during exam tmr.

:D

Rawr (part 2)

2011-09-13T22:43:00.003+08:00

Just turned the aircon on and decided to listen to Bach's Bradenburg concertos (starting with no.1) to try to chill out.

And I can feel the devils sitting on my shoulders asking me to ask myself: "what's the point of studying?"

Sometimes studying and being able to comprehend what I'm studying brings me genuine joy. Can that be a reason enough for me to study (but also chill out alil) besides the practical aspects of getting good grades to have a better future? I like learning. It makes me happy to see how the big, real world makes use of all the concepts I'm learning, the real musicians before me who have done so much for music.

The beauty of Bach's music will beat all these negative thoughts away. Shoo.

rawr

2011-09-13T22:13:00.002+08:00

Wanted to print out the econs CSQ answers, but I just shut my printer down after I printed it on the wrong side.

Decided to do a once-through revision on macroeconomics for the past two to three days against doing more econ CSQ practices, and I just finished it this afternoon, after which I headed to chem and began memorising the definitions required. Both papers are tomorrow hohoho.

Mr Chan said my macro understanding was pretty... weak. I wasnt keen on revising, because I was thinking that I could get the hang of it by doing more papers. But after one paper and marking through the macro CSQ portion... well I had better revise it. I thought my revision was thorough enough the other time round for JCTs, but as I revised it one more time, there were things which I missed out again. And a lot of mix-ups.

Shall go and de-stress now by updating my playlist and sleep earlier. And do my very best :D

Strangers Like Me - Tarzan

2011-09-11T21:56:00.000+08:00

I just had to share this haha:D love the song and video!

Disney!

2011-09-11T21:32:00.002+08:00

Come with me now and see my world
Where there's beauty beyond your dreams
Can you feel the way I feel right now
with you?
Take my hand
There's a world I need to know~

Re-watched Disney's Tarzan recently in between breaks and haha, how I love this movie and all the classic Disney movies in general!:D

The movies didnt change of course, but the way I view them differed greatly from when I first watched them when I was about 8? There were parts that I didnt know existed, and parts that I thought I remembered but they seemed to have a different effect on me now at 18.

But I still love them all the same. For the good moral values they impart, for the happy endings, for the beautiful animation, the beautiful music and the love.

I kept replaying this part in my head and on youtube where Phil Collin's Strangers Like Me palyed in Tarzan, and it shows how Tarzan's feelings for Jane progressively developed along with Jane's feelings for him. And lol, the part where they kissed when Jane decided to stay back at the jungle with Tarzan.

They say that Disney give fairytale-like endings, but I say that they deserve them all for all the obstacles and challenges all the couples in the movies have been through. We deserve to watch happy stuff too, if they cant exactly be replicated in our own lives. And I don't think Disney has really painted romance and love in a fantasy-like manner, because at least for Tarzan, they took time to understand one another. They never did weird stuff until right at the end where they just kissed.

Love needs time too. Sometimes, we also need to fight for the love of our life. For love to grow, there must be understanding, acceptance and embracing of each other's strengths and flaws. To see beyond imperfections, to compliment one another.

Is that very fantasy-like?

It's an ideal kind of love which a lot of people nowadays have trouble engendering, but that doesnt mean that it has never and won't exist. And while yes, the movies tend to exaggerate alil and let either one of them to fall in love at first sight, but time and effort have to be put in to develop their love further. Such values beat making out and one-night stands in drama serials today.

Well, to put it simply, I just enjoy watching Disney movies. While it makes me feel like a kid all over again marvelling at the wonders and fret at the problems of the world along with the characters, being older, I appreciate the values imparted and intent of creating such movies for people in the first place much better now.

Whoever said that cartoons are only for entertainment?

special people

2011-09-10T01:05:00.002+08:00

Had dinner with becks and kim today. Looking at them all dressed up like how pretty 18-year-old girls should be, as well as my own outfit, one would have to really acknowledge how much we've moved on and changed since we left zhonghua.

I was filled with apprehension of sorts when I first saw them, because they were getting prettier, more ladylike, and I think I looked and felt pretty much the same crazy shannen they knew in zhonghua, except that I am sporting this mushroomy hairdo now. But when smiles and words began, all my fears proved unfounded. Things around us have changed, our looks have changed (for the better yay), our lives are moving in different directions, but inside we're still the same ol', same ol'. In the midst of all the outward changes of our own selves and the world, the consistency in our characters and more or less our principles in life are very assuring and comforting.

It's one of those days (like when I bumped into claudia at nex) that reminds me that true friendship and love are not measured by the distance, but by the heart. While we didnt have our usual solemn h2h sessions that would often leave us perturbed and frustrated for one another in our inability to do anything more for the other than to listen, it is one of those meetups that are amazingly simple, and we're living in the present, not moping over our past.

When we meet up with old friends, we often reminisce about the past to you know, attempt to recapture the bonds we once had. But actually, if we had been true friends enough, there is not much of a need to recapture such bonds, because the bonds have been and will always be there. But to strengthen the bond, we need to create more moments that are worth remembering, more bonding sessions rather than raking up about the past.

Today was really spending time in this present timeframe, browsing through clothes, admiring the really cute dogs, rabbits, guinea pigs and hamsters at pet safari, and coming up with a gazillon more jokes for us to remember in years to come. And surprisingly, I find that such a meetup leaves me with a great warm fuzzy feeling in my heart rather than emptiness as I had initially thought from the lack of h2hs because we are living in the present, we are spending time together as the three of us again.

Thank you two for the time, the friendship, the love, and all the times we had and the times we will have (:

(p.s: read about the Illuminati thing and omg...the analysis is really good and convincing! and yes I finally understand what it is all about)

Go the distance

2011-09-09T01:17:00.003+08:00

I know every mile will be worth my while
I will go the distance
I'll be right where I belong

Everything will be worth it in the end. How it will become worth it, I don't know. I should just have that faith and keep going. Keep going the distance.

And look forward to the long-awaited friday :D

What should I do

2011-09-06T14:38:00.002+08:00

This is not something inherently complicated.

The only complication is probably my indecisiveness about this matter. Maybe I've been too analytical about my feelings. Maybe I've been controlling them too much as well till the point of being very confused.

But... I can't give my feelings free rein at this point in time, I really can't.

Is that why I've been dreaming, apart from reds and babies, of hamsters as well? According to dreammoods.com, hamsters signify "underdeveloped emotions" and that I'm "distancing (my)self from others so that I won't be hurt". They all come back like leitmotifs, recurring themes of my life at this present moment and stage.

To be honest, I've been trying...to search for an answer. And all that I know so far is that the answer actually lies in me instead of somebody. If I can't fix or decide what my feelings really mean, I can't really know the outcome or how I'm supposed to deal with it.

I think I need a soul-searching session real soon. Like maybe after doing a math paper?Or just before I start doing it.

Ayumi

2011-09-04T02:19:00.002+08:00

Was listening to ayumi for a few hours just now, whilst revamping my little cork board beside my study desk.

Ayumi's old songs just transported me back to 5 to 6 years ago, when I was a precocious, inquisitive and insecure child stepping into teenagehood. I remember Ayumi's nasal vocals accompanying my heavyweight thoughts through those years, and although I couldnt understand what she was singing until I read the English translation of her songs, I have always felt that she was there to sing for me. She would sing me through the good and bad times.

And years down the road, as I put the disc back onto this walkman player that I have, as I listened to that evergreen voice, despite being already 18, the childish and wild dreams, the petty insecurities, pure teenage angst and emo, hopes and aspirations- they all came crashing upon me, wave after wave, note after note. It was abit too much too take, and tears just fell.

My heart ached for the innocence I have lost since then as I grew and moved with time, the long phone calls and philosophical conversations about life and love that have long ceased as both of us are busy in poly and JC, the very first time I ever really liked someone (which is different from the very first I ever loved someone), the first few months in zhonghua...

When I bumped into claudia and she hugged me twice at nex today, it also reminded me of cracker, of peipei, of junior, of the four of us, the very first time I talked to her, my first day at school. I remember being so sad and yet being very much in love with one of the Bleach OSTs, D-tecnolife by UVERworld. I remember thinking of how I would probably never have the chance to be in love and have a boyfriend because I was too tall for most guys.

How much things have changed since then. While I appreciate the way I am today, and to know how much I've been through and managed to overcome, there's still this pining for this self I've since lost while evolving with time.

But I know that despite all these painful emotions hitting at me to the point of being too real for me to take, they're just phantom pain and feelings, and I know that I wouldnt want to go back to the way I was. I was too scared, too unconfident, and had such a terribly low self-esteem it's amazing I didnt attempt self-harm or contemplated suicide back then.

Maybe, I was already amazing enough back then, but I was too caught up with the rapid and huge transitions into teenagehood to notice my worth until someone came along and literally woke me up to this fact.

Ah, the past. They seem so beautiful, because they're already fixed, like works of art. Flawed, but incredibly beautiful. But they're frozen in a time we can never really go back.

And that's why for some reason, such memories cant sustain me too long anymore. I prefer to feel so alive and living each moment intensely instead of dwelling too much on things that cannot be changed anymore.

Which is probably why I've never really liked Ayumi's music beyond Miss Understood. To me, she's my past, and while she'll continue to touch me forever, but it's only because she's been through with me a momentuous part of my life. Her music is the evidence of my development and growth from that period of my life, a comparison of how far I've come. To put it bluntly, maybe I've in a way grown out of her music, but yet I always want to listen to it because it's now a part of me, a part of who I was, and has contributed to the way I am today.

Despite all the mixed feelings I have, I still love you Ayumi Hamasaki. Thank you for creating music that gave meaning and comfort to the tumultuous period of early teenagehood. Thanks to CDs, thank you for being able to stay the same, and whenever I need to remember my past, I can go to you as my best reference. Thank you for being such a wonderful musician, really.